I'm moving to a different house today. It's just right up the road, but I
still I have to go through all my stuff move it up there. While going
through some of my stuff I found a few papers I had wrote a long time. I read this one and I felt super happy! I definitely needed this reminder today. I wanted to share this one here.
When I look in the mirror, I see someone who isn't very pretty. Actually, I'd even call her ugly. Someone with hazel eyes, her hair is just a little past her shoulders. I see someone with pimples everywhere on her face, someone whose eye brows need plucked. Her nose is wide, her eye lashes are to thin. I see someone whose teeth is white with a hint of yellow. She has bags underneath her eyes, that she only seems to notice. Her hair is wavy, she wishes it was straight. It's light brown, she wishes it was red. Her lips are the only thing she likes about herself, but she wishes she could change that also. I see someone who is 5'2 and weighs 115 pounds, everyone tells her she is tiny, but she still wishes she could weigh less. Her legs are short, her chest is flat. I see someone who wishes she could look completely different. Someone who wishes that someone in this this world -that isn't family- would tell her that she is beautiful and actually mean it. I see someone who has never had a true friend, she longs for one, but nobody ever seems to notice her, she feels invisible. When I look in the mirror, I see me. I see someone who God has created! God made her just as she is for a reason. She is beautiful in His eyes! God had placed every person in her -my- life for a reason. Who do you see when you look in the mirror?
Isn't it amazing who we see when we look in the mirror? We look for our flaws, yet God doesn't see any of them. He see's the person He created, that perfect, beautiful person.
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Friday, September 19, 2014
My Dad
So... I'm suppose to go on a date tomorrow! Awesome right?! I'm excited! This guy is absolutely amazing. Every time we talk he keeps wowing me more and more. The other thing is we haven't really talked very long though, since Tuesday night. We met my work a few months ago. Not officially or anything though. Just "Hey, how are you?" type of thing every time we saw each other. We didn't know each others names until Tuesday. Anyways, we're going for breakfast tomorrow, but before we go he is going to ask my dad if he can date me. Amazing right? I'm 19, I don't need my father's permission to date someone, but this guy respects me enough he is going to ask my dad (someone he's never met), to date me. That's awesome. I didn't ask him too, he decided this all on his own.
The thing is, my dad doesn't care who I date. Your probably thinking I'm wrong and he does, but no, he really doesn't. I already told my dad he was coming over tomorrow morning, he didn't have much too say. Just a few basic questions. How old is he? What's is name? Actually, I'm pretty sure those are the only questions he asked me. Then today, my dad tells me as he was trying to sleep last night, questions about this guy kept racing through his mind, but he couldn't remember what they were now. So, I told my dad he could just ask this guy tomorrow when he meets him. My dad said "Nahh, it really only matters what you think of him.". That hurt, because no, it DOES matter what my dad thinks of this guy. My dad isn't gonna make sure this is a godly guy, my dad isn't gonna see what his intentions are, my dad isn't gonna neither approve or disapprove of him. Does my dad really think my judgement is that good, where I don't need him? I hope not, because as a father it's his job to protect me, but he's not gonna.
I was reading a question I had asked on a forum a few months ago, before I had met this guy, about guys asking the father too date the girl. I came across one answer how this lady had a lot of trouble with guys when she was my age. Her dad was the same as mine, just didn't care. They both have the attitude "It's your life, do whatever you want". It hurt her just as bad as it's hurting me, I kept reading her answer then she said this "At the end of the day, my father may never step step up too that role, but I do have a heavenly father that is crazy protective about me and only wants the best for me. I'm so glad I can rest in the fact that, if for some reason, I find myself in some unhealthy situation, he is ready to barge down some doors and yell, 'That's MY daughter you're mistreating!'" Wow, that helped so much. It's so true, whether my dad protects me or not from anything really, not just guys, God really will step down and he will somehow or another protect me. I do, really do want my earthly father's approval about who I date, but he's not going to give it either way, he just doesn't care. But God... He will always care and protect me, I can't even explain how amazing it is too know I will always have someone looking out for me, someone too love me, and protect me.
09-19-2014
The thing is, my dad doesn't care who I date. Your probably thinking I'm wrong and he does, but no, he really doesn't. I already told my dad he was coming over tomorrow morning, he didn't have much too say. Just a few basic questions. How old is he? What's is name? Actually, I'm pretty sure those are the only questions he asked me. Then today, my dad tells me as he was trying to sleep last night, questions about this guy kept racing through his mind, but he couldn't remember what they were now. So, I told my dad he could just ask this guy tomorrow when he meets him. My dad said "Nahh, it really only matters what you think of him.". That hurt, because no, it DOES matter what my dad thinks of this guy. My dad isn't gonna make sure this is a godly guy, my dad isn't gonna see what his intentions are, my dad isn't gonna neither approve or disapprove of him. Does my dad really think my judgement is that good, where I don't need him? I hope not, because as a father it's his job to protect me, but he's not gonna.
I was reading a question I had asked on a forum a few months ago, before I had met this guy, about guys asking the father too date the girl. I came across one answer how this lady had a lot of trouble with guys when she was my age. Her dad was the same as mine, just didn't care. They both have the attitude "It's your life, do whatever you want". It hurt her just as bad as it's hurting me, I kept reading her answer then she said this "At the end of the day, my father may never step step up too that role, but I do have a heavenly father that is crazy protective about me and only wants the best for me. I'm so glad I can rest in the fact that, if for some reason, I find myself in some unhealthy situation, he is ready to barge down some doors and yell, 'That's MY daughter you're mistreating!'" Wow, that helped so much. It's so true, whether my dad protects me or not from anything really, not just guys, God really will step down and he will somehow or another protect me. I do, really do want my earthly father's approval about who I date, but he's not going to give it either way, he just doesn't care. But God... He will always care and protect me, I can't even explain how amazing it is too know I will always have someone looking out for me, someone too love me, and protect me.
09-19-2014
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
09*12*2014
So, since you already practically hate me, I decided that I am going
to tell you what everyone else wants to, but is afraid too. This has
gone on far to long to remain unsaid any longer. First, I'm sorry. I
never actually tried to shorthand talk to you, I guess I don't know how
to talk to you like I would to another person, not that your any
different or anything, I don't know. It makes no sense, I know, but
still I was trying to work on not doing that to you. No, I never
expected you to be perfect, I know your not. We're human we can't be
perfect, that's why we have Jesus, that's why he died for us. I'm sorry I
snapped at you that day, about the clothes, the bible says to choose
your battles, I should have said nothing. Its just that it feels like
you have no respect for me or others, leaving your trash for someone
else to deal with is disrespectful, going into someone's room without
knocking is disrespectful, little stuff like that that you do drives me
crazy. I try to keep my mouth shut on most these issues, but like you,
your not perfect. Neither am I... Anyways, the main thing I wanted to
say: Want to know what one of our family members said about you? The
person said that one day you are going to explode and mass murder
people. Crazy right? Just so you know, I'm completely disagree with that
statement, I know you would never do such a horrible thing. But doesn't
that concern you that someone actually said that about you? I know if
someone said that about me, I would be VERY concerned. I assume you know
why, but just in case you don't I'll explain. You are hateful to
everyone. On Wednesday nights you get mad because people are down there,
or whatever. Honestly I don't know why you get mad, I just know every
time I'm talking to our siblings about Wednesday nights, they always
bring up you and the fact that they can tell your really mad for no
apparent reason, except them. I get that you don't like visitors, but
then my all means leave until their gone instead of treating them like
crap. Another thing I want to address is the way you treat mom and Joe.
Do you hate them? Because I know they think you do. Sure, Joe is super
annoying, with all his new projects messing up our yard, that he never
finishes anyway, and the fact he treats Chloe and Lydia better than his
own kids. Treating him the way you treat him isn't right either. The
same way with how you treat mom. You think no one notices? Everyone
does. You only short hand answer with her, if she walks in the room you
instantly quit talking. She told me yesterday that nothing she does is
good enough for you, its always wrong, doesn't matter how hard she
tries. You treat her like crap, that's not right Jonathan. She is your
mother, whether you like it or not. She deserves to be treated with
respect. She may not have raised us right, but remember no one is
perfect. Still that would be no reason to practically hate her anyways,
it's not like she abused us or anything of that sort. Jonathan you need
to learn to let go of your anger and learn to love people. Read 1 Cor
13, 1 Peter 4:8, Matthew 5:43-45, 1 Corinthians 12:4-8, Mark 12:30-31,
John 13:34-35. I encourage you to look these verses up and read them. I
wish I could have written them all out for you, but its hard on this
phone and this is super long already. You are a great man Jonathan, I am
not trying to make you out horrible or anything like that, I'm just
trying to speak the truth. People keep saying all we can do is pray,
well I for one think they are wrong. I think all we can do is pray,
address the issue, then pray some more. I guess we'll find out if I'm
wrong or not. I really wish I was able to say all of this to you in
person, but I'm
scared too (I'm a chicken, I know). You won't even look at me, and when
you do (call me crazy) I
see hate in your eyes, it might not be there, I really don't know, it
just feels like it is there
too me. Anyway that's why I won't tell you all this in person, you'll
either ignore me, or you'll give me a hateful response, I don't want
either. I am much braver
writing this and sending it to you, then I would be in person. I
wouldn't be able to say even half of what I'm saying. I know you'll
never be perfect, that's not my goal, my goal of writing this is for you
is to at least see there is an issue with the way you treat others.
Look at it this way: The bible says we as Christians are suppose to let
others see Jesus through us. Joe, I doubt he's a Christian. Do you think
Joe sees Jesus through you? Doubtful. Jesus is love, Joe sees hate. I
honestly expect you to read this, deny all of it, then stay mad at me
forever. If that's the case, that's sad, I don't want you to always be
mad at me, even though right now it feels like you always will be.
Jonathan, I do love you. You are my brother, I will always love you,
even if you never forgive me, even if you never speak to me, even if you
never look at me again, I will always love you. I know it will be hard,
but love isn't always easy. That day you accidentally shot yourself,
that was the scariest day of my life. I thought I was going to lose you,
well I didn't then, but somehow or another I managed to still lose you
now, just in a different way most people would expect. Do you realize
how much kills me to know that. Its kills me to see the way you treat
mom, Joe, and DJ. Its kills me to hear all of the back stab some of our
siblings say, yes in case you were wondering I do try and defend you,
most of the time. I am guilty of some of that back stab, and for that I
am truly so sorry. I should have just kept my mouth shut even if it is
how I felt. Anyways, I don't really know what else to say, except just
please consider what I'm saying, consider that I actually could be right
on this one. I'm am trying so hard to write this in love, I know that
was a lot of my mistakes whenever I tried to stand up to you for DJ, I
should have said it in love, and for not doing that, I'm sorry. I also
should have had at least one bible verse to back me up, which I do in
this one. You don't have to believe a single word I say, but the bible
is always right. Anyways Jonathan, I hope I didn't ruin your day by
telling you how I feel and I still will continue to pray for you, as I
hope you are doing for me, cause as we all know I need just as much
prayer any other person does.
09-12-2014
09-12-2014
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
Happiness
The last few years I have been going through a hard time, I hated my life. There was so many different things in life that I wanted, and I felt like I deserved all that and more, there was this one girl, who got everything she wanted, and of course bragged about it to me, it hurt me so much. Why was God giving her everything. And me? I was getting nothing. Everything I wanted I couldn’t have for whatever reason. I was so depressed. I heard the song “Out Of My Mind” a million times on air1, but one day as I was listening to the song on the radio these lyrics clicked.
“Feelin’ like I got a front row seat
To watching everyone be happy
Can’t even paint a smile on my face
Its so hard not to complain
Gotta try to say
Oh God what about me
‘Cause I know its not the way
That I’m suppose to be
Get me outta my mind and into your heart
It’s not about me, it’s not about me
So I’m gonna start playing my part in you design
Now is the time, to get me outta my mind
Outta my mind”
That song just described exactly how I was feeling at the moment. Everyone I came across were getting as it seemed to me everything, they were all happy and I cried myself to sleep at night. I knew all that I wanted was so silly, even though all of this stuff was very important in life its not gonna matter when I die because I’ll be in Heaven with God and nothing that I had on earth would matter by then, I also realized there are so many other people in life that have way less then what I had at that point, so I knew it was wrong to feel the way I did, I remember saying a few prayers somewhat like the song before it had actually sunk in.
As I was listening to this song that day I realized that there is something bigger then me, all this stuff I wanted didn’t matter, in the end all that matters is Jesus. So why should I worry about it? I just need to focus on God’s plan; not mine…
“Feelin’ like I got a front row seat
To watching everyone be happy
Can’t even paint a smile on my face
Its so hard not to complain
Gotta try to say
Oh God what about me
‘Cause I know its not the way
That I’m suppose to be
Get me outta my mind and into your heart
It’s not about me, it’s not about me
So I’m gonna start playing my part in you design
Now is the time, to get me outta my mind
Outta my mind”
That song just described exactly how I was feeling at the moment. Everyone I came across were getting as it seemed to me everything, they were all happy and I cried myself to sleep at night. I knew all that I wanted was so silly, even though all of this stuff was very important in life its not gonna matter when I die because I’ll be in Heaven with God and nothing that I had on earth would matter by then, I also realized there are so many other people in life that have way less then what I had at that point, so I knew it was wrong to feel the way I did, I remember saying a few prayers somewhat like the song before it had actually sunk in.
As I was listening to this song that day I realized that there is something bigger then me, all this stuff I wanted didn’t matter, in the end all that matters is Jesus. So why should I worry about it? I just need to focus on God’s plan; not mine…
Friday, August 8, 2014
Dear Guy
I would like to start this by saying, I really hope you never see
this, but yet I still want you too at the same time. I'm writing this
for you, but yet mainly for me. I know that doesn't make much sense, but
whatever.
I always thought that the first guy I dated would be who I married, I was set on it, maybe that's one of the reasons it hurt so bad when you decided I wasn't good enough for you, I don't know. Either way, it was my plan. Although, you know what happens to my plans, they fail. Always. You told me once that you hoped that you, being my plan wouldn't fail, well guess what. It did, and I'm so thankful for that now.
As you know, right now its been about 5 months or so since you broke my heart. This is gonna sound crazy, but I've thought of you every freaking day since then. You are driving me crazy even though you aren't in my life anymore. How the heck does that work? I can't count how many prayers I prayed asking God to rid you of my mind. Sad I know, but true.
I do want to thank you though. Thank you for teaching me to pay more attention. I saw so many red flags with you, yet I chose to ignore them every time. Thank you for standing me up on what would have been our third date. Remember? That was the date we were finally going to kiss. I am so grateful I never kissed you, that would have made this so much harder for me. Thank you for that silly little quarter you gave me. Oh my gosh, when you first gave it to me, I was actually going to keep it forever, ha. Every time I saw a quarter like that at work I smiled. Now, I frown when I see it. Seriously, I'm pretty sure that quarter is haunting me. Thank you for that nativity scene you also gave me. I loved it, honestly even now I can't deny that's an awesome nativity scene. I couldn't decide what I wanted to do with it after you broke my heart. I wanted to burn it, but I couldn't I mean like that has Jesus on it, no way would I burn it. I threw it under my bed and left it there for months until I finally decided my mom and have it. By the way, she loves it. Thank you for helping me make my mom happy.
My heart stopped when I saw a month later you already had a girlfriend. That meant either one of two things; you were talking with her the same time you were dating me and you decided she was better so you "dropped" me for her. Or you started talking to her after you "dropped" me, and relationships mean so little to you that you don't need to know the person before you get serious. Either way, that showed me it was a darn good thing you decided you didn't like me.
I decided it was time to quit Facebook stalking you after I saw you had a girlfriend. I did stalk her Facebook though, she's pretty! Although, I never met her. I was happy for her! I saw her Facebook posts about you and I was like wow, she's really happy. Good for her. I prayed, thanking God for making her so happy, then I also asked him if things didn't work out between the two of you that she was the one to call things off. I wanted someone to hurt you like you hurt me. Honestly, now I could care less.
I gotta ask. What the heck were you thinking when you messaged me?! At the point you messaged me, it was around 4 months after you decided I wasn't good enough. If you would have messaged me with an apology I wouldn't be making a big deal outta this, but no it was a freaking 'hi'. Well hi to your freaking self. You can't just pretend like we're old friends who haven't talked in awhile, hi isn't good enough. It should have been an apology. I'm so glad I didn't see you had messaged me until almost a month later, I'm guessing you deleted that app, which is great because you won't see my reply. Ha, I apologized for taking so long to respond. Can you believe that Glenn? I apologized to you for not seeing the message and not responding, when you saw my message 5 months ago and chose not to respond. Stupid me! Why am I so nice? Why couldn't I say what I had planned to say if you ever messaged me again?
I felt like you sending me another message gave me the right to "stalk" your Facebook, one more time. Wanna know what I found? Nothing really, other then you are single again. Man, your relationships are short, add that to the list of reasons you and I would have never worked out.
I don't know why I cared so much. We only texted back and forth only 3 months, only 2 dates, and only 1 phone call. Truth be told, we hardly even knew each other, and really that's okay. The more I remember stuff you did and said makes me realize we weren't meant for each other. I'm just glad you realized that before I did, because most likely wouldn't have until it was to late. I think one of the reasons I did care so much is because you were the closest thing I'd ever had to a boyfriend, but I don't know.
This is a rather pointless letter, especially since it happened a long time ago, and you'll never see it. But I think it might help me. If you had gotten to know me longer you would know that I'm not the type to bottle stuff up. I like to express my feelings. So there, I finally expressed them about this, about you.
Well Glenn, I guess the only thing left to say is I forgive you. I know you were just trying not to hurt me, but you did. It would have hurt a lot less if you would have just been honest with me, but oh well what's done is done. I hope all is well with you. God bless!
Hannah
08-08-2014
I always thought that the first guy I dated would be who I married, I was set on it, maybe that's one of the reasons it hurt so bad when you decided I wasn't good enough for you, I don't know. Either way, it was my plan. Although, you know what happens to my plans, they fail. Always. You told me once that you hoped that you, being my plan wouldn't fail, well guess what. It did, and I'm so thankful for that now.
As you know, right now its been about 5 months or so since you broke my heart. This is gonna sound crazy, but I've thought of you every freaking day since then. You are driving me crazy even though you aren't in my life anymore. How the heck does that work? I can't count how many prayers I prayed asking God to rid you of my mind. Sad I know, but true.
I do want to thank you though. Thank you for teaching me to pay more attention. I saw so many red flags with you, yet I chose to ignore them every time. Thank you for standing me up on what would have been our third date. Remember? That was the date we were finally going to kiss. I am so grateful I never kissed you, that would have made this so much harder for me. Thank you for that silly little quarter you gave me. Oh my gosh, when you first gave it to me, I was actually going to keep it forever, ha. Every time I saw a quarter like that at work I smiled. Now, I frown when I see it. Seriously, I'm pretty sure that quarter is haunting me. Thank you for that nativity scene you also gave me. I loved it, honestly even now I can't deny that's an awesome nativity scene. I couldn't decide what I wanted to do with it after you broke my heart. I wanted to burn it, but I couldn't I mean like that has Jesus on it, no way would I burn it. I threw it under my bed and left it there for months until I finally decided my mom and have it. By the way, she loves it. Thank you for helping me make my mom happy.
My heart stopped when I saw a month later you already had a girlfriend. That meant either one of two things; you were talking with her the same time you were dating me and you decided she was better so you "dropped" me for her. Or you started talking to her after you "dropped" me, and relationships mean so little to you that you don't need to know the person before you get serious. Either way, that showed me it was a darn good thing you decided you didn't like me.
I decided it was time to quit Facebook stalking you after I saw you had a girlfriend. I did stalk her Facebook though, she's pretty! Although, I never met her. I was happy for her! I saw her Facebook posts about you and I was like wow, she's really happy. Good for her. I prayed, thanking God for making her so happy, then I also asked him if things didn't work out between the two of you that she was the one to call things off. I wanted someone to hurt you like you hurt me. Honestly, now I could care less.
I gotta ask. What the heck were you thinking when you messaged me?! At the point you messaged me, it was around 4 months after you decided I wasn't good enough. If you would have messaged me with an apology I wouldn't be making a big deal outta this, but no it was a freaking 'hi'. Well hi to your freaking self. You can't just pretend like we're old friends who haven't talked in awhile, hi isn't good enough. It should have been an apology. I'm so glad I didn't see you had messaged me until almost a month later, I'm guessing you deleted that app, which is great because you won't see my reply. Ha, I apologized for taking so long to respond. Can you believe that Glenn? I apologized to you for not seeing the message and not responding, when you saw my message 5 months ago and chose not to respond. Stupid me! Why am I so nice? Why couldn't I say what I had planned to say if you ever messaged me again?
I felt like you sending me another message gave me the right to "stalk" your Facebook, one more time. Wanna know what I found? Nothing really, other then you are single again. Man, your relationships are short, add that to the list of reasons you and I would have never worked out.
I don't know why I cared so much. We only texted back and forth only 3 months, only 2 dates, and only 1 phone call. Truth be told, we hardly even knew each other, and really that's okay. The more I remember stuff you did and said makes me realize we weren't meant for each other. I'm just glad you realized that before I did, because most likely wouldn't have until it was to late. I think one of the reasons I did care so much is because you were the closest thing I'd ever had to a boyfriend, but I don't know.
This is a rather pointless letter, especially since it happened a long time ago, and you'll never see it. But I think it might help me. If you had gotten to know me longer you would know that I'm not the type to bottle stuff up. I like to express my feelings. So there, I finally expressed them about this, about you.
Well Glenn, I guess the only thing left to say is I forgive you. I know you were just trying not to hurt me, but you did. It would have hurt a lot less if you would have just been honest with me, but oh well what's done is done. I hope all is well with you. God bless!
Hannah
08-08-2014
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
Proverbs 15:1
I had just finished doing dinner dishes, cleaning up random messes
in the house. I decided I was done for the night, so I head towards my
room. As I am going there I see a pile of clothes on the window seal in
the 'dryer room' that I had moved earlier that day. My brother had set
them there, so I threw them on this bed, even though I assumed he didn't
want them anymore, if that is the case he needs to actually deal with
them instead of making someone else. But here we are several hours later
and he had moved them back. What the heck!
I look at the clothes then I look at my brother which is playing the X-Box in the other room. Before I even thought about what I should say I find myself blurting out;
"Why are these here?" I knew the answer. He didn't want them, but what I didn't know is why he left them there instead of dealing with them. Actually I knew that answer too. My brother is lazy, plain and simple.
"Because their junk," he mumbled back loud enough I could hear him.
"Then deal with them," I shot at him. I start heading towards my room again. "They don't belong there. If their junk then throw them away." I mumble this, but making sure he could hear. As I finished I enter my room. My sister was laying on the top bunk of our bunk bed, reading her Bible.
I knew she had heard what both of us had said so I start complaining to her, about how he never picks up his messes and always leaves it for me and her to deal with. I pick up my brush realizing how messy it had become, and start to brush my hair. Next thing I know my brother come into my room without knocking. That's nothing new though, he never knocks. He has no respect for my sister and I's privacy.
"Why are you always so hateful?!" I just stare at him, that wasn't a real question and I already made him made so its better to say nothing at this point, it'll only make things worst. After he realized I wasn't going to respond he left the room.
I should add, my brother and I don't get along very well. I have came up with two reasons for this; the first one is because we are so much alike. We both have tempers, we both are stubborn, and somehow or another we both think 'its my way, or the highway. The second reason is, I'm not afraid to call him out when believe he is wrong, everyone else is. Last winter he completely ignored me for almost two weeks because I called him out when he was being a jerk to our seven year old nephew. Although, here lately we've been getting along good (maybe that's because we barely see each other nowadays), until today...
It really bothered me that my brother had said I'm always hateful, because well I'm not. Sure whenever I call him out I use my "tone", but that doesn't mean I'm being hateful. I started to feel guilty, not because I had said something, because something needed to be said. Ever since I can remember he always makes a mess, but never picks it up, it doesn't matter what it is. If picking it up means getting up and moving he doesn't. It's so annoying, normally I won't say anything.
I started feeling guilty because I could have avoided this whole thing. Sure if he would have dealt with it in the first place that would have avoided it also, but the thing is I can only control me, so why bother thinking what he could or should have done. A verse in the Bible came to my mind as I was replaying everything. The verse basically says a soft answer will prevent anger, but harsh words will do nothing but cause anger.
I could have avoided this entire thing if I would have just said "Hey, these don't belong here. I would greatly appreciate it if you would deal with them". The outcome would have been so different, even if he chose not too. I mean, yeah I would be annoyed, but at least he wouldn't be mad at me.
Of course, there's nothing I can do now, except learn from my mistake. That's all we can do live-n-learn, plain and simple.
Proverbs 15:1
A soft answer turneth away wrath:
but grievous words stir up anger.
08-05-2014
I look at the clothes then I look at my brother which is playing the X-Box in the other room. Before I even thought about what I should say I find myself blurting out;
"Why are these here?" I knew the answer. He didn't want them, but what I didn't know is why he left them there instead of dealing with them. Actually I knew that answer too. My brother is lazy, plain and simple.
"Because their junk," he mumbled back loud enough I could hear him.
"Then deal with them," I shot at him. I start heading towards my room again. "They don't belong there. If their junk then throw them away." I mumble this, but making sure he could hear. As I finished I enter my room. My sister was laying on the top bunk of our bunk bed, reading her Bible.
I knew she had heard what both of us had said so I start complaining to her, about how he never picks up his messes and always leaves it for me and her to deal with. I pick up my brush realizing how messy it had become, and start to brush my hair. Next thing I know my brother come into my room without knocking. That's nothing new though, he never knocks. He has no respect for my sister and I's privacy.
"Why are you always so hateful?!" I just stare at him, that wasn't a real question and I already made him made so its better to say nothing at this point, it'll only make things worst. After he realized I wasn't going to respond he left the room.
I should add, my brother and I don't get along very well. I have came up with two reasons for this; the first one is because we are so much alike. We both have tempers, we both are stubborn, and somehow or another we both think 'its my way, or the highway. The second reason is, I'm not afraid to call him out when believe he is wrong, everyone else is. Last winter he completely ignored me for almost two weeks because I called him out when he was being a jerk to our seven year old nephew. Although, here lately we've been getting along good (maybe that's because we barely see each other nowadays), until today...
It really bothered me that my brother had said I'm always hateful, because well I'm not. Sure whenever I call him out I use my "tone", but that doesn't mean I'm being hateful. I started to feel guilty, not because I had said something, because something needed to be said. Ever since I can remember he always makes a mess, but never picks it up, it doesn't matter what it is. If picking it up means getting up and moving he doesn't. It's so annoying, normally I won't say anything.
I started feeling guilty because I could have avoided this whole thing. Sure if he would have dealt with it in the first place that would have avoided it also, but the thing is I can only control me, so why bother thinking what he could or should have done. A verse in the Bible came to my mind as I was replaying everything. The verse basically says a soft answer will prevent anger, but harsh words will do nothing but cause anger.
I could have avoided this entire thing if I would have just said "Hey, these don't belong here. I would greatly appreciate it if you would deal with them". The outcome would have been so different, even if he chose not too. I mean, yeah I would be annoyed, but at least he wouldn't be mad at me.
Of course, there's nothing I can do now, except learn from my mistake. That's all we can do live-n-learn, plain and simple.
Proverbs 15:1
A soft answer turneth away wrath:
but grievous words stir up anger.
08-05-2014
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
Best Brownies.
I'm off today! :) So that means I have the whole day to do whatever I want! What do I chose to do? Bake brownies and clean. Okay so not the most exciting day, I know. But the brownies I made are seriously the best... I found this recipe at Hershey.com then altered it myself a few years back but forgot about it until today.
Here's what you need:
Honestly, I didn't even measure the amount of chocolate chips I added to this, in the batter I just poured the entire bag of chocolate chips in. I admit probably was a bit excessive, but it's chocolate. There's no such thing as to much. ;)
I had a problem though. I didn't feel like making two batches, but I couldn't decide if I wanted to have just the plain chocolate icing or if I wanted the peanut butter melted with it, so I just iced half of the brownies with just the chocolate, the other half I iced with the chocolate with the peanut butter. Perfect solution. :)
Here's what you need:
- 1 cup (2 sticks) butter or margarine
- 2 cups sugar
- 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
- 4 eggs
- 3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa
- 1 cup all-purpose flour
- 1/2 teaspoon baking powder
- 1/4 teaspoon salt
- 3 cups chocolate chips
- 3 tablespoons peanut butter (optional)
1. Heat oven to 350°F. Grease 13x9x2-inch baking pan.
2. Place butter in large microwave-safe bowl.
Microwave until melted. Stir in
sugar and vanilla. Add eggs, one at a time, beating well with spoon
after each addition. Add cocoa; beat until well blended. Add flour,
baking powder and salt; beat well. Stir 1 cup chocolate chips. Pour
batter into prepared pan.
3. Bake 30 to 35 minutes or until brownies begin
to pull away from sides of pan. Cool completely in pan on wire rack. Melt chocolate chips melt and peanut butter if desired, spread on top of brownies. Chill until melted chocolate chips has hardened. Cut
into bars. Makes about 24 brownies.
Honestly, I didn't even measure the amount of chocolate chips I added to this, in the batter I just poured the entire bag of chocolate chips in. I admit probably was a bit excessive, but it's chocolate. There's no such thing as to much. ;)
I had a problem though. I didn't feel like making two batches, but I couldn't decide if I wanted to have just the plain chocolate icing or if I wanted the peanut butter melted with it, so I just iced half of the brownies with just the chocolate, the other half I iced with the chocolate with the peanut butter. Perfect solution. :)
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