Here's just a song I made. As silly as it is I wish I could say I made it ten years ago, but I actually just made it five seconds ago. So....
You look at the clock, it's getting late!
You decide it's time for some sleep!
Oh, sleepy sleepy Ace
Sleepy sleepy Ace
Sleepy sleepy Ace
You wake up, see it's still dark outside
You look at the time
Oh! You still have six more hours of sleep
So you lay your head back down
Oh, sleepy sleepy Ace
Sleepy sleepy Ace
Sleepy sleepy Ace
You wake up, see the sun rising
You hear the roosters crowing
But you're just so sleepy!
Oh, sleepy sleepy Ace
Sleepy sleepy Ace
Sleepy sleepy Ace
You wake up, it's now noon
Your stomach is growling
But you don't care!
Oh, sleepy sleepy Ace
Sleepy sleepy Ace
Sleepy sleepy Ace
You wake up, see the light starting to fade
You know you need to wake up
But at this point you might as well
Stay in bed until tomorrow!
Oh, sleepy sleepy Ace
Sleepy sleepy Ace
Sleepy sleepy Ace
Wednesday, September 23, 2015
Thursday, September 3, 2015
Please Don't Look
Guys, please don't look at porn. If your single right now, you
very possibly might not see a problem with it. Trust me, there's
still a problem...
When I first started dating my fiance he told me on the first date that he has been struggling with a porn addition. It caught me off guard, but it showed me he wanted to start a relationship out of honesty. Not saying there wasn't other things that he had hid from me, but the other things I didn't need to know that was something I admired. That greatly affected my decision to continue to date him. I knew from that he was an honest man.
After that first date we talked a little bit about his porn addiction. He told me that from dating me his addiction was pretty much gone. He had the desire sometimes, but not near as much as he used too. I was so impressed with him. I still understood that this was an addiction, so it wasn't going to go away over night, although he made it appear like it had.
I never made sure he wasn't looking at it after that. I just assumed he wasn't until last week. We were in premarital counseling and my fiance brought up the fact that he had a porn addiction. The preacher was impressed we had already talked this through, but then he reminded me to keep my fiance accountable. I realized after that that I hadn't been keeping him accountable, I had no idea if he still looks at porn or not. So, after the premarital counseling was over with I asked him if he has looked at porn since we've been together. To my surprise he had. He told me that it's not an addiction anymore, he doesn't look at I ever often and that it has been three months since he has looked at porn.
I took his word. Although there was still doubt in my mind, since he has been known for little white lies. I ended up asking him a few days later if he told me the truth, sure enough he hadn't. While he still doesn't look at it very often, it had been a month since he's looked at it. I was glad he finally told me all of the truth, but I still couldn't help but feel hurt that he had looked at porn since we've been together.
That drove me to distrust. Next thing I know, I'm searching through his phone. Going through his emails, his search history, his calls, his Facebook. I became the women I didn't want to be. I was sneaking around searching his phone, I don't want to be like that. I ended up telling him how I searched through his phone and asked him if I could have his Google password so I could check his history on that to reassure my mind, I didn't want to do it behind his back anymore. He gave it to me no problem. I searched his entire history, I know that somethings had been deleted in the past, but according to that he had only looked at porn three times (in a four day period) since we've been together. I know it's been more then that, which still hurts me. I don't want him to look at any other woman's body; I want him to look at mine only, but he can't right now since we aren't married yet. It hurts me to know he has looked at other women.
I repeat, please do not look at porn. If you've been looking at it for years, stop now. If you haven't looked at it yet, keep it that way. While it might seem like a harmless action, it's not. Not only will it affect you and how you see women, but it will affect your future wife. I know it has affected me.
Thankfully my fiance has been trying so hard not to look at porn, he has been trying to quit looking at it since we even knew each other. He has looked at it maybe ten times since we've been together, which is almost one year. My case really is the best case scenario. Porn destroys marriages. It causes dishonesty and lies. In any relationship you can't have those, it only hurts both people involved.
When I first started dating my fiance he told me on the first date that he has been struggling with a porn addition. It caught me off guard, but it showed me he wanted to start a relationship out of honesty. Not saying there wasn't other things that he had hid from me, but the other things I didn't need to know that was something I admired. That greatly affected my decision to continue to date him. I knew from that he was an honest man.
After that first date we talked a little bit about his porn addiction. He told me that from dating me his addiction was pretty much gone. He had the desire sometimes, but not near as much as he used too. I was so impressed with him. I still understood that this was an addiction, so it wasn't going to go away over night, although he made it appear like it had.
I never made sure he wasn't looking at it after that. I just assumed he wasn't until last week. We were in premarital counseling and my fiance brought up the fact that he had a porn addiction. The preacher was impressed we had already talked this through, but then he reminded me to keep my fiance accountable. I realized after that that I hadn't been keeping him accountable, I had no idea if he still looks at porn or not. So, after the premarital counseling was over with I asked him if he has looked at porn since we've been together. To my surprise he had. He told me that it's not an addiction anymore, he doesn't look at I ever often and that it has been three months since he has looked at porn.
I took his word. Although there was still doubt in my mind, since he has been known for little white lies. I ended up asking him a few days later if he told me the truth, sure enough he hadn't. While he still doesn't look at it very often, it had been a month since he's looked at it. I was glad he finally told me all of the truth, but I still couldn't help but feel hurt that he had looked at porn since we've been together.
That drove me to distrust. Next thing I know, I'm searching through his phone. Going through his emails, his search history, his calls, his Facebook. I became the women I didn't want to be. I was sneaking around searching his phone, I don't want to be like that. I ended up telling him how I searched through his phone and asked him if I could have his Google password so I could check his history on that to reassure my mind, I didn't want to do it behind his back anymore. He gave it to me no problem. I searched his entire history, I know that somethings had been deleted in the past, but according to that he had only looked at porn three times (in a four day period) since we've been together. I know it's been more then that, which still hurts me. I don't want him to look at any other woman's body; I want him to look at mine only, but he can't right now since we aren't married yet. It hurts me to know he has looked at other women.
I repeat, please do not look at porn. If you've been looking at it for years, stop now. If you haven't looked at it yet, keep it that way. While it might seem like a harmless action, it's not. Not only will it affect you and how you see women, but it will affect your future wife. I know it has affected me.
Thankfully my fiance has been trying so hard not to look at porn, he has been trying to quit looking at it since we even knew each other. He has looked at it maybe ten times since we've been together, which is almost one year. My case really is the best case scenario. Porn destroys marriages. It causes dishonesty and lies. In any relationship you can't have those, it only hurts both people involved.
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
I AM CURED...
From the ages of 12 to 19, I spent most of my days daydreaming. I would go to the swing set and listen to music as I daydreamed. I would daydream for hours at a time! If anyone wanted to play with me, or even just talk I would start to get annoyed that they were taking up my daydreaming time! Of course, nobody knew they were interrupting me, I tried hard not to show I was annoyed also.
I viewed my life as dull and boring. So, I would daydream to make it a little more exciting. It worked. If you asked me about my daydreaming life I have countless stories to tell you! I saved the president and hundreds of people in a plane crash once, that landed in MY back yard! I have been kidnapped at least ten times, which I managed to escape every time! I've killed people before out of self defense! I spoke at least five different languages and played any instruments that are imaginable! All my daydreams had one common thing, I found the man of my dreams in every one of them. In my daydreams, I was the person I wanted to be. I was beautiful, smart, adventurous, kind, daring. I was freakin' awesome!
I got my job a few days before I turned 18, so after that I didn't really have much time to daydream, but still sure enough, you could count on seeing me swinging on the swing set before and after work, especially when the weather was warm, but not even cold weather wouldn't stop me. I realized daydreaming had become a problem for me. This is the only thing that I really desired to do. I would do other things still, but daydreaming would consume me. So, I tried hard not to daydream, but it didn't matter how hard I tried. I would always end up daydreaming. I finally quit daydreaming about seven months ago, when I met the man of my dreams, Kevin. He is the man I would always find in my daydreams! Only, he's way better then the man I fell in love with in my daydreams. I didn't need to daydream after I met him. He was so amazing and charming, daydreaming couldn't even compare.
Last night I was having trouble sleeping so I decided to do I used to always do to help me fall asleep, daydream. In my day I was kidnapped, and then I escaped after two years, but I had retrograde amnesia. Somehow found myself back in Warrensville, where Kevin lives, and I was going to reconnect with him, and we would fall in love all over again. I fell asleep within ten minutes. That was unusual, if I was in a good daydream it would actually prevent me from sleeping, but the only way I could sleep was if I daydreamed. Ironic, I know. This day dream was probably the worst daydream I've never dreamed! So this morning when I woke up, I tried it again. I swung on the swing set like I used to, only no music, and I tried to make that daydream work, I couldn't.
The thought of having to go without Kevin that long probably was the main thing that ruined it. I could have dis-included him all together, but the thought of him not being in my daydream was even worst then being away from him for two years in my daydream. I tried thinking of a better story, but I couldn't. I find it so weird that I couldn't do what six months ago, I couldn't not do. This makes me happy though. I don't have to ever worry about daydreaming consuming me again! I feel like I wasted away my teen years because my fantasies were my life. For the most part that was all I would do.
I never felt "normal" because of my daydreaming obsession. I actually googled it and found out it's a disorder called maladaptive daydreaming. I had a disorder. I am very proud to say I AM CURED of that disorder now. I no longer have the need, or even desire to daydream now. I originally thought Kevin was why I was cured. I got my heart's desire, so of course I'm not going to have the need to daydream so excessively, but what cured me is a little more complicated then that.
In those teenage year in my life, I hated my life. In my eyes there was nothing good about my life. I talked about this in Happiness. Once I started to become happy with the way my life was, I didn't feel the need to daydream anymore. I became content with my life even though I didn't have all the things I wanted, I learned to be content anyways. Through contentment I found I didn't need to daydream anymore. My life is perfect just the way it is.
04-28-2015
I viewed my life as dull and boring. So, I would daydream to make it a little more exciting. It worked. If you asked me about my daydreaming life I have countless stories to tell you! I saved the president and hundreds of people in a plane crash once, that landed in MY back yard! I have been kidnapped at least ten times, which I managed to escape every time! I've killed people before out of self defense! I spoke at least five different languages and played any instruments that are imaginable! All my daydreams had one common thing, I found the man of my dreams in every one of them. In my daydreams, I was the person I wanted to be. I was beautiful, smart, adventurous, kind, daring. I was freakin' awesome!
I got my job a few days before I turned 18, so after that I didn't really have much time to daydream, but still sure enough, you could count on seeing me swinging on the swing set before and after work, especially when the weather was warm, but not even cold weather wouldn't stop me. I realized daydreaming had become a problem for me. This is the only thing that I really desired to do. I would do other things still, but daydreaming would consume me. So, I tried hard not to daydream, but it didn't matter how hard I tried. I would always end up daydreaming. I finally quit daydreaming about seven months ago, when I met the man of my dreams, Kevin. He is the man I would always find in my daydreams! Only, he's way better then the man I fell in love with in my daydreams. I didn't need to daydream after I met him. He was so amazing and charming, daydreaming couldn't even compare.
Last night I was having trouble sleeping so I decided to do I used to always do to help me fall asleep, daydream. In my day I was kidnapped, and then I escaped after two years, but I had retrograde amnesia. Somehow found myself back in Warrensville, where Kevin lives, and I was going to reconnect with him, and we would fall in love all over again. I fell asleep within ten minutes. That was unusual, if I was in a good daydream it would actually prevent me from sleeping, but the only way I could sleep was if I daydreamed. Ironic, I know. This day dream was probably the worst daydream I've never dreamed! So this morning when I woke up, I tried it again. I swung on the swing set like I used to, only no music, and I tried to make that daydream work, I couldn't.
The thought of having to go without Kevin that long probably was the main thing that ruined it. I could have dis-included him all together, but the thought of him not being in my daydream was even worst then being away from him for two years in my daydream. I tried thinking of a better story, but I couldn't. I find it so weird that I couldn't do what six months ago, I couldn't not do. This makes me happy though. I don't have to ever worry about daydreaming consuming me again! I feel like I wasted away my teen years because my fantasies were my life. For the most part that was all I would do.
I never felt "normal" because of my daydreaming obsession. I actually googled it and found out it's a disorder called maladaptive daydreaming. I had a disorder. I am very proud to say I AM CURED of that disorder now. I no longer have the need, or even desire to daydream now. I originally thought Kevin was why I was cured. I got my heart's desire, so of course I'm not going to have the need to daydream so excessively, but what cured me is a little more complicated then that.
In those teenage year in my life, I hated my life. In my eyes there was nothing good about my life. I talked about this in Happiness. Once I started to become happy with the way my life was, I didn't feel the need to daydream anymore. I became content with my life even though I didn't have all the things I wanted, I learned to be content anyways. Through contentment I found I didn't need to daydream anymore. My life is perfect just the way it is.
04-28-2015
Friday, April 24, 2015
Yay!!!!!@#$%^&*
!@#$%^&*()~!@#$%^&*(+) Did you see that?!?! The most awesomest thing ever just happened! My shift keys FINALLY WORK!!!!!! I can even express how happy I am! right now! A few months ago I bought a laptop, happy I didn't have to worry about waiting "in line" for the desktop. I could go on the computer whenever I wanted! That was exciting, but a month after I bought it the shift keys wouldn't work half the time. A few weeks later, it wouldn't work at all! This was really annoying, especially when I'm writing my blogs! So, I just used to "on screen" keyboard for all my shift needs. It was so frustrating! I just discovered five minutes ago that my shift keys are working again! It's amazing!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry, for the excessive use of it now, but I CAN'T HELP MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't quit using them!!! I'm so happy now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !@#$%^&*)(!@#$%^&*!@#$%^&*()!@#$%^&*()!@#$%^&*!@#$%^&*(!@#$%^&*()!@#$%^&*(!@#$%^&*(!@#$%^&*()!@#$%^&*()!@#$%^&*()_++_)(*&^%$#@!!~!@#$%^&*()_+~!@#$%^&*()_~!@#$%^
@#$%)_+_)(*!@#$%^&*()_+ Life is awesome :) (See that, first time I was able to make a smiley face with my keyboard in forever! :))
04-24-2015
@#$%)_+_)(*!@#$%^&*()_+ Life is awesome :) (See that, first time I was able to make a smiley face with my keyboard in forever! :))
04-24-2015
Friday, April 17, 2015
You're Perfect, Just The Way You Are
I was going through some old photos last night, and found some that brought back good memories and some not so good.
I took this picture right after I was done crying. Crying from "being fat". I was sixteen when I took this photo. Past Thoughts: When I Look in the Mirror As I've said in I had self esteem issues around that age. But really who doesn't? There are a few "lucky" girls who never face this issue, but I was not one of them. I honestly thought all of my problems were because of my appearance. I'm really not sure how that idea was planted in my head, but either way, it was there. Leading me to countless nights crying myself to sleep, countless times I would put myself down. Thinking back, it makes me so sad to know this was how I felt. I wasn't fat, I wasn't ugly, I was perfect just the way I was...
Monday, March 16, 2015
Just a Ring
I'm officially engaged!!! I am so happy, seriously, I have never
been happier! As everyone knows, one of the perks of getting engaged
for women is the rock. I knew mine wasn't going to be very
expensive from the moment Kevin and I started taking about getting
married. It took me awhile to become okay with a 'cheap' ring, but I
really did become okay with it. In reality it's just a ring. Yes, I
know just a ring that symbols you are planning on marrying, just a
ring that you will wear for the rest of your life, but still just a
ring. I would rather a cheap ring so that he can use the rest of the
money in something more important like our life savings.
It felt awesome showing off my ring, and of course, only being two days into being engaged I still want too. A small price came with showing people, or should I say my sisters this ring.
The first sister who saw it, instantly compared it with her ring, and decided the diamond was about the same size. Kevin actually told me the price he had payed so as my sister was comparing the two rings I was thinking to myself that there's no point comparing, her's is obviously better than mine.
The next sister asked to see my ring, we talked about it a little and somewhere in the conversation I mentioned I didn't even know if it was a real diamond or not. She asked how much he paid, I told her. Then she gave me a funny look. Well um, it's probably real from somewhere, who knows where, but you can get real diamonds that cheap.
My next sister looked at it and asked me how much he paid I told her and then she told me it looks cheap. Do you think it looks cheap? I just answered her and said yeah it does kinda look cheap. Honestly, it doesn't really look cheap to me, I mean yeah I guess if you compare it to her crazy expensive ring then it probably does. I made sure she knew that the diamond is real and the gold they used isn't that cheap either. She told me the diamond might be real, but she doubts it has very many carets. Which is true, I know it doesn't, but why was she trying to downgrade my ring? After that she kept on saying things like, oh the band is gold, I thought you hated gold. Yeah, I never said that. I like gold.
Maybe I'm just reading in to all these encounters, but I sure felt like everyone was trying to make theirs seem better, or at least downgrade mine. When my first sister picked it up to compare, I know for a fact that if I were to be bigger she would feel bad, and if her's were bigger she would be happy. From my life experience that's what women do; we compare. We try to make ourselves sound better while downgrading anyone else who isn't a good as we seem to think we are. That's crazy. There's no need at all for us to be comparing things, whether it's as simply as each others clothes, or as big as comparing our lives. I'm not exactly sure what my second sister was trying to say, a diamond of China is just as valuable as one from here in America, but I guess in her mind it's different. Maybe she meant carets, I don't know. Now for my third sister, she was just being plain out mean. I mean really? You don't have to say everything you think, sometimes it really is better just to think before you speak. If you're gonna downgrade someone it's probably better just to keep your mouth shut. I felt like she was trying to make me not like my ring, but guess what; I still love it.
I have joked around and told people I'm not showing other people my ring, because I'm tired of the negative feedback just because it was "cheap". Of course I still plan on showing other people my ring, I might even give them the price if they ask, but what I'm not gonna do is I'm not going to let their rude comments bother me anymore. They bring me down, it's not worth it. This ring that he got me is something I can't change, and frankly, I don't want to change it, because although their rings might be more expensive,they might be prettier, they might have more carets, they might not have a band that came bend, but their rings aren't better then mine by any means. Kevin picked out my ring specifically for me. That makes mine the best. I don't need an expensive ring to symbolize that I plan on marrying this amazing man, heck I don't even need to ring, I just need him.
03-11-2015
It felt awesome showing off my ring, and of course, only being two days into being engaged I still want too. A small price came with showing people, or should I say my sisters this ring.
The first sister who saw it, instantly compared it with her ring, and decided the diamond was about the same size. Kevin actually told me the price he had payed so as my sister was comparing the two rings I was thinking to myself that there's no point comparing, her's is obviously better than mine.
The next sister asked to see my ring, we talked about it a little and somewhere in the conversation I mentioned I didn't even know if it was a real diamond or not. She asked how much he paid, I told her. Then she gave me a funny look. Well um, it's probably real from somewhere, who knows where, but you can get real diamonds that cheap.
My next sister looked at it and asked me how much he paid I told her and then she told me it looks cheap. Do you think it looks cheap? I just answered her and said yeah it does kinda look cheap. Honestly, it doesn't really look cheap to me, I mean yeah I guess if you compare it to her crazy expensive ring then it probably does. I made sure she knew that the diamond is real and the gold they used isn't that cheap either. She told me the diamond might be real, but she doubts it has very many carets. Which is true, I know it doesn't, but why was she trying to downgrade my ring? After that she kept on saying things like, oh the band is gold, I thought you hated gold. Yeah, I never said that. I like gold.
Maybe I'm just reading in to all these encounters, but I sure felt like everyone was trying to make theirs seem better, or at least downgrade mine. When my first sister picked it up to compare, I know for a fact that if I were to be bigger she would feel bad, and if her's were bigger she would be happy. From my life experience that's what women do; we compare. We try to make ourselves sound better while downgrading anyone else who isn't a good as we seem to think we are. That's crazy. There's no need at all for us to be comparing things, whether it's as simply as each others clothes, or as big as comparing our lives. I'm not exactly sure what my second sister was trying to say, a diamond of China is just as valuable as one from here in America, but I guess in her mind it's different. Maybe she meant carets, I don't know. Now for my third sister, she was just being plain out mean. I mean really? You don't have to say everything you think, sometimes it really is better just to think before you speak. If you're gonna downgrade someone it's probably better just to keep your mouth shut. I felt like she was trying to make me not like my ring, but guess what; I still love it.
I have joked around and told people I'm not showing other people my ring, because I'm tired of the negative feedback just because it was "cheap". Of course I still plan on showing other people my ring, I might even give them the price if they ask, but what I'm not gonna do is I'm not going to let their rude comments bother me anymore. They bring me down, it's not worth it. This ring that he got me is something I can't change, and frankly, I don't want to change it, because although their rings might be more expensive,they might be prettier, they might have more carets, they might not have a band that came bend, but their rings aren't better then mine by any means. Kevin picked out my ring specifically for me. That makes mine the best. I don't need an expensive ring to symbolize that I plan on marrying this amazing man, heck I don't even need to ring, I just need him.
03-11-2015
Thursday, January 15, 2015
My Family Is Messed Up...
Hahaha... I just told my dad I love him for the first time since I was 12! That's 7 years! In case you were wondering that's the last time my dad told me he loved me also... That's not normal. No wonder I thought no one loved me as a teenager...
I'm really not sure what happened tonight. My dad said goodnight like every other night and I said goodnight back, then out of the blue I told him that I loved him for the first time in 7 years. I was freaking out after I told him that. I wasn't sure if I actually said it or just thought it because of how I said it so naturally without even one thought like I said it to him a million times. He finally responded 30 seconds later saying he loved me also, then he went to bed. I started to laugh. Why would it be funny? Because my family doesn't have that kind of relationship. That's messed up... It shouldn't be weird to tell your father you love him.
I'm really not sure what happened tonight. My dad said goodnight like every other night and I said goodnight back, then out of the blue I told him that I loved him for the first time in 7 years. I was freaking out after I told him that. I wasn't sure if I actually said it or just thought it because of how I said it so naturally without even one thought like I said it to him a million times. He finally responded 30 seconds later saying he loved me also, then he went to bed. I started to laugh. Why would it be funny? Because my family doesn't have that kind of relationship. That's messed up... It shouldn't be weird to tell your father you love him.
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