My Dad

 So... I'm suppose to go on a date tomorrow! Awesome right?! I'm excited! This guy is absolutely amazing. Every time we talk he keeps wowing me more and more. The other thing is we haven't really talked very long though, since Tuesday night. We met my work a few months ago. Not officially or anything though. Just "Hey, how are you?" type of thing every time we saw each other. We didn't know each others names until Tuesday. Anyways, we're going for breakfast tomorrow, but before we go he is going to ask my dad if he can date me. Amazing right? I'm 19, I don't need my father's permission to date someone, but this guy respects me enough he is going to ask my dad (someone he's never met), to date me. That's awesome. I didn't ask him too, he decided this all on his own.
 The thing is, my dad doesn't care who I date. Your probably thinking I'm wrong and he does, but no, he really doesn't. I already told my dad he was coming over tomorrow morning, he didn't have much too say. Just a few basic questions. How old is he? What's is name? Actually, I'm pretty sure those are the only questions he asked me. Then today, my dad tells me as he was trying to sleep last night, questions about this guy kept racing through his mind, but he couldn't remember what they were now. So, I told my dad he could just ask this guy tomorrow when he meets him. My dad said "Nahh, it really only matters what you think of him.". That hurt, because no, it DOES matter what my dad thinks of this guy. My dad isn't gonna make sure this is a godly guy, my dad isn't gonna see what his intentions are, my dad isn't gonna neither approve or disapprove of him. Does my dad really think my judgement is that good, where I don't need him? I hope not, because as a father it's his job to protect me, but he's not gonna.
 I was reading a question I had asked on a forum a few months ago, before I had met this guy, about guys asking the father too date the girl. I came across one answer how this lady had a lot of trouble with guys when she was my age. Her dad was the same as mine, just didn't care. They both have the attitude "It's your life, do whatever you want". It hurt her just as bad as it's hurting me, I kept reading her answer then she said this "At the end of the day, my father may never step step up too that role, but I do have a heavenly father that is crazy protective about me and only wants the best for me. I'm so glad I can rest in the fact that, if for some reason, I find myself in some unhealthy situation, he is ready to barge down some doors and yell, 'That's MY daughter you're mistreating!'" Wow, that helped so much. It's so true, whether my dad protects me or not from anything really, not just guys, God really will step down and he will somehow or another protect me. I do, really do want my earthly father's approval about who I date, but he's not going to give it either way, he just doesn't care. But God... He will always care and protect me, I can't even explain how amazing it is too know I will always have someone looking out for me, someone too love me, and protect me.


                                                                                                                                                09-19-2014

09*12*2014

So, since you already practically hate me, I decided that I am going to tell you what everyone else wants to, but is afraid too. This has gone on far to long to remain unsaid any longer. First, I'm sorry. I never actually tried to shorthand talk to you, I guess I don't know how to talk to you like I would to another person, not that your any different or anything, I don't know. It makes no sense, I know, but still I was trying to work on not doing that to you. No, I never expected you to be perfect, I know your not. We're human we can't be perfect, that's why we have Jesus, that's why he died for us. I'm sorry I snapped at you that day, about the clothes, the bible says to choose your battles, I should have said nothing. Its just that it feels like you have no respect for me or others, leaving your trash for someone else to deal with is disrespectful, going into someone's room without knocking is disrespectful, little stuff like that that you do drives me crazy. I try to keep my mouth shut on most these issues, but like you, your not perfect. Neither am I... Anyways, the main thing I wanted to say: Want to know what one of our family members said about you? The person said that one day you are going to explode and mass murder people. Crazy right? Just so you know, I'm completely disagree with that statement, I know you would never do such a horrible thing. But doesn't that concern you that someone actually said that about you? I know if someone said that about me, I would be VERY concerned. I assume you know why, but just in case you don't I'll explain. You are hateful to everyone. On Wednesday nights you get mad because people are down there, or whatever. Honestly I don't know why you get mad, I just know every time I'm talking to our siblings about Wednesday nights, they always bring up you and the fact that they can tell your really mad for no apparent reason, except them. I get that you don't like visitors, but then my all means leave until their gone instead of treating them like crap. Another thing I want to address is the way you treat mom and Joe. Do you hate them? Because I know they think you do. Sure, Joe is super annoying, with all his new projects messing up our yard, that he never finishes anyway, and the fact he treats Chloe and Lydia better than his own kids. Treating him the way you treat him isn't right either. The same way with how you treat mom. You think no one notices? Everyone does. You only short hand answer with her, if she walks in the room you instantly quit talking. She told me yesterday that nothing she does is good enough for you, its always wrong, doesn't matter how hard she tries. You treat her like crap, that's not right Jonathan. She is your mother, whether you like it or not. She deserves to be treated with respect. She may not have raised us right, but remember no one is perfect. Still that would be no reason to practically hate her anyways, it's not like she abused us or anything of that sort. Jonathan you need to learn to let go of your anger and learn to love people. Read 1 Cor 13, 1 Peter 4:8, Matthew 5:43-45, 1 Corinthians 12:4-8, Mark 12:30-31, John 13:34-35. I encourage you to look these verses up and read them. I wish I could have written them all out for you, but its hard on this phone and this is super long already. You are a great man Jonathan, I am not trying to make you out horrible or anything like that, I'm just trying to speak the truth. People keep saying all we can do is pray, well I for one think they are wrong. I think all we can do is pray, address the issue, then pray some more. I guess we'll find out if I'm wrong or not. I really wish I was able to say all of this to you in person, but I'm scared too (I'm a chicken, I know). You won't even look at me, and when you do (call me crazy) I see hate in your eyes, it might not be there, I really don't know, it just feels like it is there too me. Anyway that's why I won't tell you all this in person, you'll either ignore me, or you'll give me a hateful response, I don't want either. I am much braver writing this and sending it to you, then I would be in person. I wouldn't be able to say even half of what I'm saying. I know you'll never be perfect, that's not my goal, my goal of writing this is for you is to at least see there is an issue with the way you treat others. Look at it this way: The bible says we as Christians are suppose to let others see Jesus through us. Joe, I doubt he's a Christian. Do you think Joe sees Jesus through you? Doubtful. Jesus is love, Joe sees hate. I honestly expect you to read this, deny all of it, then stay mad at me forever. If that's the case, that's sad, I don't want you to always be mad at me, even though right now it feels like you always will be. Jonathan, I do love you. You are my brother, I will always love you, even if you never forgive me, even if you never speak to me, even if you never look at me again, I will always love you. I know it will be hard, but love isn't always easy. That day you accidentally shot yourself, that was the scariest day of my life. I thought I was going to lose you, well I didn't then, but somehow or another I managed to still lose you now, just in a different way most people would expect. Do you realize how much kills me to know that. Its kills me to see the way you treat mom, Joe, and DJ. Its kills me to hear all of the back stab some of our siblings say, yes in case you were wondering I do try and defend you, most of the time. I am guilty of some of that back stab, and for that I am truly so sorry. I should have just kept my mouth shut even if it is how I felt. Anyways, I don't really know what else to say, except just please consider what I'm saying, consider that I actually could be right on this one. I'm am trying so hard to write this in love, I know that was a lot of my mistakes whenever I tried to stand up to you for DJ, I should have said it in love, and for not doing that, I'm sorry. I also should have had at least one bible verse to back me up, which I do in this one. You don't have to believe a single word I say, but the bible is always right. Anyways Jonathan, I hope I didn't ruin your day by telling you how I feel and I still will continue to pray for you, as I hope you are doing for me, cause as we all know I need just as much prayer any other person does.


                                                                                                                                                09-12-2014

Happiness

The last few years I have been going through a hard time, I hated my life. There was so many different things in life that I wanted, and I felt like I deserved all that and more, there was this one girl, who got everything she wanted, and of course bragged about it to me, it hurt me so  much. Why was God giving her everything. And me? I was getting nothing.  Everything I wanted I couldn’t have for whatever reason. I was so depressed. I heard the song “Out Of My Mind” a million times on air1, but one day as I was listening to the song on the radio these lyrics clicked.

“Feelin’ like I got a front row seat
To watching everyone be happy
Can’t even paint a smile on my face
Its so hard not to complain

Gotta try to say
Oh God what about me
‘Cause I know its not the way
That I’m suppose to be

Get me outta my mind and into your heart
It’s not about me, it’s not about me
So I’m gonna start playing my part in you design
Now is the time, to get me outta my mind
Outta my mind”

That song just described exactly how I was feeling at the moment. Everyone  I came across were getting as it seemed to me everything, they were all happy and I cried myself to sleep at night. I knew all that I wanted was so silly, even though all of this stuff was very important in life its not gonna matter when I die because I’ll be in Heaven with God and nothing that I had on earth would matter by then, I also realized there are so many other people in life that have way less then what I had at that point, so I knew it was wrong to feel the way I did, I remember saying a few prayers somewhat like the song before it had actually sunk in.
 As I was listening to this song that day I realized that there is something bigger then me, all this stuff I wanted didn’t matter, in the end all that matters is Jesus. So why should I worry about it? I just need to focus on God’s plan; not mine…