Dear Guy

  I would like to start this by saying, I really hope you never see this, but yet I still want you too at the same time. I'm writing this for you, but yet mainly for me. I know that doesn't make much sense, but whatever.
  I always thought that the first guy I dated would be who I married, I was set on it, maybe that's one of the reasons it hurt so bad when you decided I wasn't good enough for you, I don't know. Either way, it was my plan. Although, you know what happens to my plans, they fail. Always. You told me once that you hoped that you, being my plan wouldn't fail, well guess what. It did, and I'm so thankful for that now.
 As you know, right now its been about 5 months or so since you broke my heart. This is gonna sound crazy, but I've thought of you every freaking day since then. You are driving me crazy even though you aren't in my life anymore. How the heck does that work? I can't count how many prayers I prayed asking God to rid you of my mind. Sad I know, but true.
 I do want to thank you though. Thank you for teaching me to pay more attention. I saw so many red flags with you, yet I chose to ignore them every time. Thank you for standing me up on what would have been our third date. Remember? That was the date we were finally going to kiss. I am so grateful I never kissed you, that would have made this so much harder for me. Thank you for that silly little quarter you gave me. Oh my gosh, when you first gave it to me, I was actually going to keep it forever, ha. Every time I saw a quarter like that at work I smiled. Now, I frown when I see it. Seriously, I'm pretty sure that quarter is haunting me. Thank you for that nativity scene you also gave me. I loved it, honestly even now I can't deny that's an awesome nativity scene. I couldn't decide what I wanted to do with it after you broke my heart. I wanted to burn it, but I couldn't I mean like that has Jesus on it, no way would I burn it. I threw it under my bed and left it there for months until I finally decided my mom and have it. By the way, she loves it. Thank you for helping me make my mom happy.
 My heart stopped when I saw a month later you already had a girlfriend. That meant either one of two things; you were talking with her the same time you were dating me and you decided she was better so you "dropped" me for her. Or you started talking to her after you "dropped" me, and relationships mean so little to you that  you don't need to know the person before you get serious. Either way, that showed me it was a darn good thing you decided you didn't like me.
 I decided it was time to quit Facebook stalking you after I saw you had a girlfriend. I did stalk her Facebook though, she's pretty! Although, I never met her. I was happy for her! I saw her Facebook posts about you and I was like wow, she's really happy. Good for her. I prayed, thanking God for making her so happy, then I also asked him if things didn't work out between the two of you that she was the one to call things off. I wanted someone to hurt you like you hurt me. Honestly, now I could care less.
 I gotta ask. What the heck were you thinking when you messaged me?! At the point you messaged me, it was around 4 months after you decided I wasn't good enough. If you would have messaged me with an apology I wouldn't be making a big deal outta this, but no it was a freaking 'hi'. Well hi to your freaking self. You can't just pretend like we're old friends who haven't talked in awhile, hi isn't good enough. It should have been an apology. I'm so glad I didn't see you had messaged me until almost a month later, I'm guessing you deleted that app, which is great because you won't see my reply. Ha, I apologized for taking so long to respond. Can you believe that Glenn? I apologized to you for not seeing the message and not responding, when you saw my message 5 months ago and chose not to respond. Stupid me! Why am I so nice? Why couldn't I say what I had planned to say if you ever messaged me again?
 I felt like you sending me another message gave me the right to "stalk" your Facebook, one more time. Wanna know what I found? Nothing really, other then you are single again. Man, your relationships are short, add that to the list of reasons you and I would have never worked out.  
 I don't know why I cared so much. We only texted back and forth only 3 months, only 2 dates, and only 1 phone call. Truth be told, we hardly even knew each other, and really that's okay. The more I remember stuff you did and said makes me realize we weren't meant for each other. I'm just glad you realized that before I did, because most likely wouldn't have until it was to late. I think one of the reasons I did care so much is because you were the closest thing I'd ever had to a boyfriend, but I don't know.
 This is a rather pointless letter, especially since it happened a long time ago, and you'll never see it. But I think it might help me. If you had gotten to know me longer you would know that I'm not the type to bottle stuff up. I like to express my feelings. So there, I finally expressed them about this, about you.
 Well Glenn, I guess the only thing left to say is I forgive you. I know you were just trying not to hurt me, but you did. It would have hurt a lot less if you would have just been honest with me, but oh well what's done is done. I hope all is well with you. God bless!
                                                           
                                                                         Hannah


                                                                                                                                                08-08-2014

Proverbs 15:1

  I had just finished doing dinner dishes, cleaning up random messes in the house. I decided I was done for the night, so I head towards my room. As I am going there I see a pile of clothes on the window seal in the 'dryer room' that I had moved earlier that day. My brother had set them there, so I threw them on this bed, even though I assumed he didn't want them anymore, if that is the case he needs to actually deal with them instead of making someone else. But here we are several hours later and he had moved them back. What the heck!
 I look at the clothes then I look at my brother which is playing the X-Box in the other room. Before I even thought about what I should say I find myself blurting out;
  "Why are these here?" I knew the answer. He didn't want them, but what I didn't know is why he left them there instead of dealing with them. Actually I knew that answer too. My brother is lazy, plain and simple.
  "Because their junk," he mumbled back loud enough I could hear him.
  "Then deal with them," I shot at him. I start heading towards my room again. "They don't belong there. If their junk then throw them away." I mumble this, but making sure he could hear. As I finished I enter my room. My sister was laying on the top bunk of our bunk bed, reading her Bible.
  I knew she had heard what both of us had said so I start complaining to her, about how he never picks up his messes and always leaves it for me and her to deal with. I pick up my brush realizing how messy it had become, and start to brush my hair. Next thing I know my brother come into my room without knocking. That's nothing new though, he never knocks. He has no respect for my sister and I's privacy.
  "Why are you always so hateful?!" I just stare at him, that wasn't a real question and I already made him made so its better to say nothing at this point, it'll only make things worst. After he realized I wasn't going to respond he left the room.
 I should add, my brother and I don't get along very well. I have came up with two reasons for this; the first one is because we are so much alike. We both have tempers, we both are stubborn, and somehow or another we both think 'its my way, or the highway. The second reason is, I'm not afraid to call him out when believe he is wrong, everyone else is. Last winter he completely ignored me for almost two weeks because I called him out when he was being a jerk to our seven year old nephew. Although, here lately we've been getting along good (maybe that's because we barely see each other nowadays), until today...
 It really bothered me that my brother had said I'm always hateful, because well I'm not. Sure whenever I call him out I use my "tone", but that doesn't mean I'm being hateful. I started to feel guilty, not because I had said something, because something needed to be said. Ever since I can remember he always makes a mess, but never picks it up, it doesn't matter what it is. If picking it up means getting up and moving he doesn't. It's so annoying, normally I won't say anything.
 I started feeling guilty because I could have avoided this whole thing. Sure if he would have dealt with it in the first place that would have avoided it also, but the thing is I can only control me, so why bother thinking what he could or should have done. A verse in the Bible came to my mind as I was replaying everything. The verse basically says a soft answer will prevent anger, but harsh words will do nothing but cause anger.
 I could have avoided this entire thing if I would have just said "Hey, these don't belong here. I would greatly appreciate it if you would deal with them". The outcome would have been so different, even if he chose not too. I mean, yeah I would be annoyed, but at least he wouldn't be mad at me.
Of course, there's nothing I can do now, except learn from my mistake. That's all we can do live-n-learn, plain and simple.
 
                                     Proverbs 15:1
                       A soft answer turneth away wrath:
                        but grievous words stir up anger.



                                                                                                                                                08-05-2014