Here's just a song I made. As silly as it is I wish I could say I made it ten years ago, but I actually just made it five seconds ago. So....
You look at the clock, it's getting late!
You decide it's time for some sleep!
Oh, sleepy sleepy Ace
Sleepy sleepy Ace
Sleepy sleepy Ace
You wake up, see it's still dark outside
You look at the time
Oh! You still have six more hours of sleep
So you lay your head back down
Oh, sleepy sleepy Ace
Sleepy sleepy Ace
Sleepy sleepy Ace
You wake up, see the sun rising
You hear the roosters crowing
But you're just so sleepy!
Oh, sleepy sleepy Ace
Sleepy sleepy Ace
Sleepy sleepy Ace
You wake up, it's now noon
Your stomach is growling
But you don't care!
Oh, sleepy sleepy Ace
Sleepy sleepy Ace
Sleepy sleepy Ace
You wake up, see the light starting to fade
You know you need to wake up
But at this point you might as well
Stay in bed until tomorrow!
Oh, sleepy sleepy Ace
Sleepy sleepy Ace
Sleepy sleepy Ace
Wednesday, September 23, 2015
Thursday, September 3, 2015
Please Don't Look
Guys, please don't look at porn. If your single right now, you
very possibly might not see a problem with it. Trust me, there's
still a problem...
When I first started dating my fiance he told me on the first date that he has been struggling with a porn addition. It caught me off guard, but it showed me he wanted to start a relationship out of honesty. Not saying there wasn't other things that he had hid from me, but the other things I didn't need to know that was something I admired. That greatly affected my decision to continue to date him. I knew from that he was an honest man.
After that first date we talked a little bit about his porn addiction. He told me that from dating me his addiction was pretty much gone. He had the desire sometimes, but not near as much as he used too. I was so impressed with him. I still understood that this was an addiction, so it wasn't going to go away over night, although he made it appear like it had.
I never made sure he wasn't looking at it after that. I just assumed he wasn't until last week. We were in premarital counseling and my fiance brought up the fact that he had a porn addiction. The preacher was impressed we had already talked this through, but then he reminded me to keep my fiance accountable. I realized after that that I hadn't been keeping him accountable, I had no idea if he still looks at porn or not. So, after the premarital counseling was over with I asked him if he has looked at porn since we've been together. To my surprise he had. He told me that it's not an addiction anymore, he doesn't look at I ever often and that it has been three months since he has looked at porn.
I took his word. Although there was still doubt in my mind, since he has been known for little white lies. I ended up asking him a few days later if he told me the truth, sure enough he hadn't. While he still doesn't look at it very often, it had been a month since he's looked at it. I was glad he finally told me all of the truth, but I still couldn't help but feel hurt that he had looked at porn since we've been together.
That drove me to distrust. Next thing I know, I'm searching through his phone. Going through his emails, his search history, his calls, his Facebook. I became the women I didn't want to be. I was sneaking around searching his phone, I don't want to be like that. I ended up telling him how I searched through his phone and asked him if I could have his Google password so I could check his history on that to reassure my mind, I didn't want to do it behind his back anymore. He gave it to me no problem. I searched his entire history, I know that somethings had been deleted in the past, but according to that he had only looked at porn three times (in a four day period) since we've been together. I know it's been more then that, which still hurts me. I don't want him to look at any other woman's body; I want him to look at mine only, but he can't right now since we aren't married yet. It hurts me to know he has looked at other women.
I repeat, please do not look at porn. If you've been looking at it for years, stop now. If you haven't looked at it yet, keep it that way. While it might seem like a harmless action, it's not. Not only will it affect you and how you see women, but it will affect your future wife. I know it has affected me.
Thankfully my fiance has been trying so hard not to look at porn, he has been trying to quit looking at it since we even knew each other. He has looked at it maybe ten times since we've been together, which is almost one year. My case really is the best case scenario. Porn destroys marriages. It causes dishonesty and lies. In any relationship you can't have those, it only hurts both people involved.
When I first started dating my fiance he told me on the first date that he has been struggling with a porn addition. It caught me off guard, but it showed me he wanted to start a relationship out of honesty. Not saying there wasn't other things that he had hid from me, but the other things I didn't need to know that was something I admired. That greatly affected my decision to continue to date him. I knew from that he was an honest man.
After that first date we talked a little bit about his porn addiction. He told me that from dating me his addiction was pretty much gone. He had the desire sometimes, but not near as much as he used too. I was so impressed with him. I still understood that this was an addiction, so it wasn't going to go away over night, although he made it appear like it had.
I never made sure he wasn't looking at it after that. I just assumed he wasn't until last week. We were in premarital counseling and my fiance brought up the fact that he had a porn addiction. The preacher was impressed we had already talked this through, but then he reminded me to keep my fiance accountable. I realized after that that I hadn't been keeping him accountable, I had no idea if he still looks at porn or not. So, after the premarital counseling was over with I asked him if he has looked at porn since we've been together. To my surprise he had. He told me that it's not an addiction anymore, he doesn't look at I ever often and that it has been three months since he has looked at porn.
I took his word. Although there was still doubt in my mind, since he has been known for little white lies. I ended up asking him a few days later if he told me the truth, sure enough he hadn't. While he still doesn't look at it very often, it had been a month since he's looked at it. I was glad he finally told me all of the truth, but I still couldn't help but feel hurt that he had looked at porn since we've been together.
That drove me to distrust. Next thing I know, I'm searching through his phone. Going through his emails, his search history, his calls, his Facebook. I became the women I didn't want to be. I was sneaking around searching his phone, I don't want to be like that. I ended up telling him how I searched through his phone and asked him if I could have his Google password so I could check his history on that to reassure my mind, I didn't want to do it behind his back anymore. He gave it to me no problem. I searched his entire history, I know that somethings had been deleted in the past, but according to that he had only looked at porn three times (in a four day period) since we've been together. I know it's been more then that, which still hurts me. I don't want him to look at any other woman's body; I want him to look at mine only, but he can't right now since we aren't married yet. It hurts me to know he has looked at other women.
I repeat, please do not look at porn. If you've been looking at it for years, stop now. If you haven't looked at it yet, keep it that way. While it might seem like a harmless action, it's not. Not only will it affect you and how you see women, but it will affect your future wife. I know it has affected me.
Thankfully my fiance has been trying so hard not to look at porn, he has been trying to quit looking at it since we even knew each other. He has looked at it maybe ten times since we've been together, which is almost one year. My case really is the best case scenario. Porn destroys marriages. It causes dishonesty and lies. In any relationship you can't have those, it only hurts both people involved.
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
I AM CURED...
From the ages of 12 to 19, I spent most of my days daydreaming. I would go to the swing set and listen to music as I daydreamed. I would daydream for hours at a time! If anyone wanted to play with me, or even just talk I would start to get annoyed that they were taking up my daydreaming time! Of course, nobody knew they were interrupting me, I tried hard not to show I was annoyed also.
I viewed my life as dull and boring. So, I would daydream to make it a little more exciting. It worked. If you asked me about my daydreaming life I have countless stories to tell you! I saved the president and hundreds of people in a plane crash once, that landed in MY back yard! I have been kidnapped at least ten times, which I managed to escape every time! I've killed people before out of self defense! I spoke at least five different languages and played any instruments that are imaginable! All my daydreams had one common thing, I found the man of my dreams in every one of them. In my daydreams, I was the person I wanted to be. I was beautiful, smart, adventurous, kind, daring. I was freakin' awesome!
I got my job a few days before I turned 18, so after that I didn't really have much time to daydream, but still sure enough, you could count on seeing me swinging on the swing set before and after work, especially when the weather was warm, but not even cold weather wouldn't stop me. I realized daydreaming had become a problem for me. This is the only thing that I really desired to do. I would do other things still, but daydreaming would consume me. So, I tried hard not to daydream, but it didn't matter how hard I tried. I would always end up daydreaming. I finally quit daydreaming about seven months ago, when I met the man of my dreams, Kevin. He is the man I would always find in my daydreams! Only, he's way better then the man I fell in love with in my daydreams. I didn't need to daydream after I met him. He was so amazing and charming, daydreaming couldn't even compare.
Last night I was having trouble sleeping so I decided to do I used to always do to help me fall asleep, daydream. In my day I was kidnapped, and then I escaped after two years, but I had retrograde amnesia. Somehow found myself back in Warrensville, where Kevin lives, and I was going to reconnect with him, and we would fall in love all over again. I fell asleep within ten minutes. That was unusual, if I was in a good daydream it would actually prevent me from sleeping, but the only way I could sleep was if I daydreamed. Ironic, I know. This day dream was probably the worst daydream I've never dreamed! So this morning when I woke up, I tried it again. I swung on the swing set like I used to, only no music, and I tried to make that daydream work, I couldn't.
The thought of having to go without Kevin that long probably was the main thing that ruined it. I could have dis-included him all together, but the thought of him not being in my daydream was even worst then being away from him for two years in my daydream. I tried thinking of a better story, but I couldn't. I find it so weird that I couldn't do what six months ago, I couldn't not do. This makes me happy though. I don't have to ever worry about daydreaming consuming me again! I feel like I wasted away my teen years because my fantasies were my life. For the most part that was all I would do.
I never felt "normal" because of my daydreaming obsession. I actually googled it and found out it's a disorder called maladaptive daydreaming. I had a disorder. I am very proud to say I AM CURED of that disorder now. I no longer have the need, or even desire to daydream now. I originally thought Kevin was why I was cured. I got my heart's desire, so of course I'm not going to have the need to daydream so excessively, but what cured me is a little more complicated then that.
In those teenage year in my life, I hated my life. In my eyes there was nothing good about my life. I talked about this in Happiness. Once I started to become happy with the way my life was, I didn't feel the need to daydream anymore. I became content with my life even though I didn't have all the things I wanted, I learned to be content anyways. Through contentment I found I didn't need to daydream anymore. My life is perfect just the way it is.
04-28-2015
I viewed my life as dull and boring. So, I would daydream to make it a little more exciting. It worked. If you asked me about my daydreaming life I have countless stories to tell you! I saved the president and hundreds of people in a plane crash once, that landed in MY back yard! I have been kidnapped at least ten times, which I managed to escape every time! I've killed people before out of self defense! I spoke at least five different languages and played any instruments that are imaginable! All my daydreams had one common thing, I found the man of my dreams in every one of them. In my daydreams, I was the person I wanted to be. I was beautiful, smart, adventurous, kind, daring. I was freakin' awesome!
I got my job a few days before I turned 18, so after that I didn't really have much time to daydream, but still sure enough, you could count on seeing me swinging on the swing set before and after work, especially when the weather was warm, but not even cold weather wouldn't stop me. I realized daydreaming had become a problem for me. This is the only thing that I really desired to do. I would do other things still, but daydreaming would consume me. So, I tried hard not to daydream, but it didn't matter how hard I tried. I would always end up daydreaming. I finally quit daydreaming about seven months ago, when I met the man of my dreams, Kevin. He is the man I would always find in my daydreams! Only, he's way better then the man I fell in love with in my daydreams. I didn't need to daydream after I met him. He was so amazing and charming, daydreaming couldn't even compare.
Last night I was having trouble sleeping so I decided to do I used to always do to help me fall asleep, daydream. In my day I was kidnapped, and then I escaped after two years, but I had retrograde amnesia. Somehow found myself back in Warrensville, where Kevin lives, and I was going to reconnect with him, and we would fall in love all over again. I fell asleep within ten minutes. That was unusual, if I was in a good daydream it would actually prevent me from sleeping, but the only way I could sleep was if I daydreamed. Ironic, I know. This day dream was probably the worst daydream I've never dreamed! So this morning when I woke up, I tried it again. I swung on the swing set like I used to, only no music, and I tried to make that daydream work, I couldn't.
The thought of having to go without Kevin that long probably was the main thing that ruined it. I could have dis-included him all together, but the thought of him not being in my daydream was even worst then being away from him for two years in my daydream. I tried thinking of a better story, but I couldn't. I find it so weird that I couldn't do what six months ago, I couldn't not do. This makes me happy though. I don't have to ever worry about daydreaming consuming me again! I feel like I wasted away my teen years because my fantasies were my life. For the most part that was all I would do.
I never felt "normal" because of my daydreaming obsession. I actually googled it and found out it's a disorder called maladaptive daydreaming. I had a disorder. I am very proud to say I AM CURED of that disorder now. I no longer have the need, or even desire to daydream now. I originally thought Kevin was why I was cured. I got my heart's desire, so of course I'm not going to have the need to daydream so excessively, but what cured me is a little more complicated then that.
In those teenage year in my life, I hated my life. In my eyes there was nothing good about my life. I talked about this in Happiness. Once I started to become happy with the way my life was, I didn't feel the need to daydream anymore. I became content with my life even though I didn't have all the things I wanted, I learned to be content anyways. Through contentment I found I didn't need to daydream anymore. My life is perfect just the way it is.
04-28-2015
Friday, April 24, 2015
Yay!!!!!@#$%^&*
!@#$%^&*()~!@#$%^&*(+) Did you see that?!?! The most awesomest thing ever just happened! My shift keys FINALLY WORK!!!!!! I can even express how happy I am! right now! A few months ago I bought a laptop, happy I didn't have to worry about waiting "in line" for the desktop. I could go on the computer whenever I wanted! That was exciting, but a month after I bought it the shift keys wouldn't work half the time. A few weeks later, it wouldn't work at all! This was really annoying, especially when I'm writing my blogs! So, I just used to "on screen" keyboard for all my shift needs. It was so frustrating! I just discovered five minutes ago that my shift keys are working again! It's amazing!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry, for the excessive use of it now, but I CAN'T HELP MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't quit using them!!! I'm so happy now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !@#$%^&*)(!@#$%^&*!@#$%^&*()!@#$%^&*()!@#$%^&*!@#$%^&*(!@#$%^&*()!@#$%^&*(!@#$%^&*(!@#$%^&*()!@#$%^&*()!@#$%^&*()_++_)(*&^%$#@!!~!@#$%^&*()_+~!@#$%^&*()_~!@#$%^
@#$%)_+_)(*!@#$%^&*()_+ Life is awesome :) (See that, first time I was able to make a smiley face with my keyboard in forever! :))
04-24-2015
@#$%)_+_)(*!@#$%^&*()_+ Life is awesome :) (See that, first time I was able to make a smiley face with my keyboard in forever! :))
04-24-2015
Friday, April 17, 2015
You're Perfect, Just The Way You Are
I was going through some old photos last night, and found some that brought back good memories and some not so good.
I took this picture right after I was done crying. Crying from "being fat". I was sixteen when I took this photo. Past Thoughts: When I Look in the Mirror As I've said in I had self esteem issues around that age. But really who doesn't? There are a few "lucky" girls who never face this issue, but I was not one of them. I honestly thought all of my problems were because of my appearance. I'm really not sure how that idea was planted in my head, but either way, it was there. Leading me to countless nights crying myself to sleep, countless times I would put myself down. Thinking back, it makes me so sad to know this was how I felt. I wasn't fat, I wasn't ugly, I was perfect just the way I was...
Monday, March 16, 2015
Just a Ring
I'm officially engaged!!! I am so happy, seriously, I have never
been happier! As everyone knows, one of the perks of getting engaged
for women is the rock. I knew mine wasn't going to be very
expensive from the moment Kevin and I started taking about getting
married. It took me awhile to become okay with a 'cheap' ring, but I
really did become okay with it. In reality it's just a ring. Yes, I
know just a ring that symbols you are planning on marrying, just a
ring that you will wear for the rest of your life, but still just a
ring. I would rather a cheap ring so that he can use the rest of the
money in something more important like our life savings.
It felt awesome showing off my ring, and of course, only being two days into being engaged I still want too. A small price came with showing people, or should I say my sisters this ring.
The first sister who saw it, instantly compared it with her ring, and decided the diamond was about the same size. Kevin actually told me the price he had payed so as my sister was comparing the two rings I was thinking to myself that there's no point comparing, her's is obviously better than mine.
The next sister asked to see my ring, we talked about it a little and somewhere in the conversation I mentioned I didn't even know if it was a real diamond or not. She asked how much he paid, I told her. Then she gave me a funny look. Well um, it's probably real from somewhere, who knows where, but you can get real diamonds that cheap.
My next sister looked at it and asked me how much he paid I told her and then she told me it looks cheap. Do you think it looks cheap? I just answered her and said yeah it does kinda look cheap. Honestly, it doesn't really look cheap to me, I mean yeah I guess if you compare it to her crazy expensive ring then it probably does. I made sure she knew that the diamond is real and the gold they used isn't that cheap either. She told me the diamond might be real, but she doubts it has very many carets. Which is true, I know it doesn't, but why was she trying to downgrade my ring? After that she kept on saying things like, oh the band is gold, I thought you hated gold. Yeah, I never said that. I like gold.
Maybe I'm just reading in to all these encounters, but I sure felt like everyone was trying to make theirs seem better, or at least downgrade mine. When my first sister picked it up to compare, I know for a fact that if I were to be bigger she would feel bad, and if her's were bigger she would be happy. From my life experience that's what women do; we compare. We try to make ourselves sound better while downgrading anyone else who isn't a good as we seem to think we are. That's crazy. There's no need at all for us to be comparing things, whether it's as simply as each others clothes, or as big as comparing our lives. I'm not exactly sure what my second sister was trying to say, a diamond of China is just as valuable as one from here in America, but I guess in her mind it's different. Maybe she meant carets, I don't know. Now for my third sister, she was just being plain out mean. I mean really? You don't have to say everything you think, sometimes it really is better just to think before you speak. If you're gonna downgrade someone it's probably better just to keep your mouth shut. I felt like she was trying to make me not like my ring, but guess what; I still love it.
I have joked around and told people I'm not showing other people my ring, because I'm tired of the negative feedback just because it was "cheap". Of course I still plan on showing other people my ring, I might even give them the price if they ask, but what I'm not gonna do is I'm not going to let their rude comments bother me anymore. They bring me down, it's not worth it. This ring that he got me is something I can't change, and frankly, I don't want to change it, because although their rings might be more expensive,they might be prettier, they might have more carets, they might not have a band that came bend, but their rings aren't better then mine by any means. Kevin picked out my ring specifically for me. That makes mine the best. I don't need an expensive ring to symbolize that I plan on marrying this amazing man, heck I don't even need to ring, I just need him.
03-11-2015
It felt awesome showing off my ring, and of course, only being two days into being engaged I still want too. A small price came with showing people, or should I say my sisters this ring.
The first sister who saw it, instantly compared it with her ring, and decided the diamond was about the same size. Kevin actually told me the price he had payed so as my sister was comparing the two rings I was thinking to myself that there's no point comparing, her's is obviously better than mine.
The next sister asked to see my ring, we talked about it a little and somewhere in the conversation I mentioned I didn't even know if it was a real diamond or not. She asked how much he paid, I told her. Then she gave me a funny look. Well um, it's probably real from somewhere, who knows where, but you can get real diamonds that cheap.
My next sister looked at it and asked me how much he paid I told her and then she told me it looks cheap. Do you think it looks cheap? I just answered her and said yeah it does kinda look cheap. Honestly, it doesn't really look cheap to me, I mean yeah I guess if you compare it to her crazy expensive ring then it probably does. I made sure she knew that the diamond is real and the gold they used isn't that cheap either. She told me the diamond might be real, but she doubts it has very many carets. Which is true, I know it doesn't, but why was she trying to downgrade my ring? After that she kept on saying things like, oh the band is gold, I thought you hated gold. Yeah, I never said that. I like gold.
Maybe I'm just reading in to all these encounters, but I sure felt like everyone was trying to make theirs seem better, or at least downgrade mine. When my first sister picked it up to compare, I know for a fact that if I were to be bigger she would feel bad, and if her's were bigger she would be happy. From my life experience that's what women do; we compare. We try to make ourselves sound better while downgrading anyone else who isn't a good as we seem to think we are. That's crazy. There's no need at all for us to be comparing things, whether it's as simply as each others clothes, or as big as comparing our lives. I'm not exactly sure what my second sister was trying to say, a diamond of China is just as valuable as one from here in America, but I guess in her mind it's different. Maybe she meant carets, I don't know. Now for my third sister, she was just being plain out mean. I mean really? You don't have to say everything you think, sometimes it really is better just to think before you speak. If you're gonna downgrade someone it's probably better just to keep your mouth shut. I felt like she was trying to make me not like my ring, but guess what; I still love it.
I have joked around and told people I'm not showing other people my ring, because I'm tired of the negative feedback just because it was "cheap". Of course I still plan on showing other people my ring, I might even give them the price if they ask, but what I'm not gonna do is I'm not going to let their rude comments bother me anymore. They bring me down, it's not worth it. This ring that he got me is something I can't change, and frankly, I don't want to change it, because although their rings might be more expensive,they might be prettier, they might have more carets, they might not have a band that came bend, but their rings aren't better then mine by any means. Kevin picked out my ring specifically for me. That makes mine the best. I don't need an expensive ring to symbolize that I plan on marrying this amazing man, heck I don't even need to ring, I just need him.
03-11-2015
Thursday, January 15, 2015
My Family Is Messed Up...
Hahaha... I just told my dad I love him for the first time since I was 12! That's 7 years! In case you were wondering that's the last time my dad told me he loved me also... That's not normal. No wonder I thought no one loved me as a teenager...
I'm really not sure what happened tonight. My dad said goodnight like every other night and I said goodnight back, then out of the blue I told him that I loved him for the first time in 7 years. I was freaking out after I told him that. I wasn't sure if I actually said it or just thought it because of how I said it so naturally without even one thought like I said it to him a million times. He finally responded 30 seconds later saying he loved me also, then he went to bed. I started to laugh. Why would it be funny? Because my family doesn't have that kind of relationship. That's messed up... It shouldn't be weird to tell your father you love him.
I'm really not sure what happened tonight. My dad said goodnight like every other night and I said goodnight back, then out of the blue I told him that I loved him for the first time in 7 years. I was freaking out after I told him that. I wasn't sure if I actually said it or just thought it because of how I said it so naturally without even one thought like I said it to him a million times. He finally responded 30 seconds later saying he loved me also, then he went to bed. I started to laugh. Why would it be funny? Because my family doesn't have that kind of relationship. That's messed up... It shouldn't be weird to tell your father you love him.
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Past Thoughts: When I Look in the Mirror
I'm moving to a different house today. It's just right up the road, but I
still I have to go through all my stuff move it up there. While going
through some of my stuff I found a few papers I had wrote a long time. I read this one and I felt super happy! I definitely needed this reminder today. I wanted to share this one here.
When I look in the mirror, I see someone who isn't very pretty. Actually, I'd even call her ugly. Someone with hazel eyes, her hair is just a little past her shoulders. I see someone with pimples everywhere on her face, someone whose eye brows need plucked. Her nose is wide, her eye lashes are to thin. I see someone whose teeth is white with a hint of yellow. She has bags underneath her eyes, that she only seems to notice. Her hair is wavy, she wishes it was straight. It's light brown, she wishes it was red. Her lips are the only thing she likes about herself, but she wishes she could change that also. I see someone who is 5'2 and weighs 115 pounds, everyone tells her she is tiny, but she still wishes she could weigh less. Her legs are short, her chest is flat. I see someone who wishes she could look completely different. Someone who wishes that someone in this this world -that isn't family- would tell her that she is beautiful and actually mean it. I see someone who has never had a true friend, she longs for one, but nobody ever seems to notice her, she feels invisible. When I look in the mirror, I see me. I see someone who God has created! God made her just as she is for a reason. She is beautiful in His eyes! God had placed every person in her -my- life for a reason. Who do you see when you look in the mirror?
Isn't it amazing who we see when we look in the mirror? We look for our flaws, yet God doesn't see any of them. He see's the person He created, that perfect, beautiful person.
When I look in the mirror, I see someone who isn't very pretty. Actually, I'd even call her ugly. Someone with hazel eyes, her hair is just a little past her shoulders. I see someone with pimples everywhere on her face, someone whose eye brows need plucked. Her nose is wide, her eye lashes are to thin. I see someone whose teeth is white with a hint of yellow. She has bags underneath her eyes, that she only seems to notice. Her hair is wavy, she wishes it was straight. It's light brown, she wishes it was red. Her lips are the only thing she likes about herself, but she wishes she could change that also. I see someone who is 5'2 and weighs 115 pounds, everyone tells her she is tiny, but she still wishes she could weigh less. Her legs are short, her chest is flat. I see someone who wishes she could look completely different. Someone who wishes that someone in this this world -that isn't family- would tell her that she is beautiful and actually mean it. I see someone who has never had a true friend, she longs for one, but nobody ever seems to notice her, she feels invisible. When I look in the mirror, I see me. I see someone who God has created! God made her just as she is for a reason. She is beautiful in His eyes! God had placed every person in her -my- life for a reason. Who do you see when you look in the mirror?
Isn't it amazing who we see when we look in the mirror? We look for our flaws, yet God doesn't see any of them. He see's the person He created, that perfect, beautiful person.
Friday, September 19, 2014
My Dad
So... I'm suppose to go on a date tomorrow! Awesome right?! I'm excited! This guy is absolutely amazing. Every time we talk he keeps wowing me more and more. The other thing is we haven't really talked very long though, since Tuesday night. We met my work a few months ago. Not officially or anything though. Just "Hey, how are you?" type of thing every time we saw each other. We didn't know each others names until Tuesday. Anyways, we're going for breakfast tomorrow, but before we go he is going to ask my dad if he can date me. Amazing right? I'm 19, I don't need my father's permission to date someone, but this guy respects me enough he is going to ask my dad (someone he's never met), to date me. That's awesome. I didn't ask him too, he decided this all on his own.
The thing is, my dad doesn't care who I date. Your probably thinking I'm wrong and he does, but no, he really doesn't. I already told my dad he was coming over tomorrow morning, he didn't have much too say. Just a few basic questions. How old is he? What's is name? Actually, I'm pretty sure those are the only questions he asked me. Then today, my dad tells me as he was trying to sleep last night, questions about this guy kept racing through his mind, but he couldn't remember what they were now. So, I told my dad he could just ask this guy tomorrow when he meets him. My dad said "Nahh, it really only matters what you think of him.". That hurt, because no, it DOES matter what my dad thinks of this guy. My dad isn't gonna make sure this is a godly guy, my dad isn't gonna see what his intentions are, my dad isn't gonna neither approve or disapprove of him. Does my dad really think my judgement is that good, where I don't need him? I hope not, because as a father it's his job to protect me, but he's not gonna.
I was reading a question I had asked on a forum a few months ago, before I had met this guy, about guys asking the father too date the girl. I came across one answer how this lady had a lot of trouble with guys when she was my age. Her dad was the same as mine, just didn't care. They both have the attitude "It's your life, do whatever you want". It hurt her just as bad as it's hurting me, I kept reading her answer then she said this "At the end of the day, my father may never step step up too that role, but I do have a heavenly father that is crazy protective about me and only wants the best for me. I'm so glad I can rest in the fact that, if for some reason, I find myself in some unhealthy situation, he is ready to barge down some doors and yell, 'That's MY daughter you're mistreating!'" Wow, that helped so much. It's so true, whether my dad protects me or not from anything really, not just guys, God really will step down and he will somehow or another protect me. I do, really do want my earthly father's approval about who I date, but he's not going to give it either way, he just doesn't care. But God... He will always care and protect me, I can't even explain how amazing it is too know I will always have someone looking out for me, someone too love me, and protect me.
09-19-2014
The thing is, my dad doesn't care who I date. Your probably thinking I'm wrong and he does, but no, he really doesn't. I already told my dad he was coming over tomorrow morning, he didn't have much too say. Just a few basic questions. How old is he? What's is name? Actually, I'm pretty sure those are the only questions he asked me. Then today, my dad tells me as he was trying to sleep last night, questions about this guy kept racing through his mind, but he couldn't remember what they were now. So, I told my dad he could just ask this guy tomorrow when he meets him. My dad said "Nahh, it really only matters what you think of him.". That hurt, because no, it DOES matter what my dad thinks of this guy. My dad isn't gonna make sure this is a godly guy, my dad isn't gonna see what his intentions are, my dad isn't gonna neither approve or disapprove of him. Does my dad really think my judgement is that good, where I don't need him? I hope not, because as a father it's his job to protect me, but he's not gonna.
I was reading a question I had asked on a forum a few months ago, before I had met this guy, about guys asking the father too date the girl. I came across one answer how this lady had a lot of trouble with guys when she was my age. Her dad was the same as mine, just didn't care. They both have the attitude "It's your life, do whatever you want". It hurt her just as bad as it's hurting me, I kept reading her answer then she said this "At the end of the day, my father may never step step up too that role, but I do have a heavenly father that is crazy protective about me and only wants the best for me. I'm so glad I can rest in the fact that, if for some reason, I find myself in some unhealthy situation, he is ready to barge down some doors and yell, 'That's MY daughter you're mistreating!'" Wow, that helped so much. It's so true, whether my dad protects me or not from anything really, not just guys, God really will step down and he will somehow or another protect me. I do, really do want my earthly father's approval about who I date, but he's not going to give it either way, he just doesn't care. But God... He will always care and protect me, I can't even explain how amazing it is too know I will always have someone looking out for me, someone too love me, and protect me.
09-19-2014
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
09*12*2014
So, since you already practically hate me, I decided that I am going
to tell you what everyone else wants to, but is afraid too. This has
gone on far to long to remain unsaid any longer. First, I'm sorry. I
never actually tried to shorthand talk to you, I guess I don't know how
to talk to you like I would to another person, not that your any
different or anything, I don't know. It makes no sense, I know, but
still I was trying to work on not doing that to you. No, I never
expected you to be perfect, I know your not. We're human we can't be
perfect, that's why we have Jesus, that's why he died for us. I'm sorry I
snapped at you that day, about the clothes, the bible says to choose
your battles, I should have said nothing. Its just that it feels like
you have no respect for me or others, leaving your trash for someone
else to deal with is disrespectful, going into someone's room without
knocking is disrespectful, little stuff like that that you do drives me
crazy. I try to keep my mouth shut on most these issues, but like you,
your not perfect. Neither am I... Anyways, the main thing I wanted to
say: Want to know what one of our family members said about you? The
person said that one day you are going to explode and mass murder
people. Crazy right? Just so you know, I'm completely disagree with that
statement, I know you would never do such a horrible thing. But doesn't
that concern you that someone actually said that about you? I know if
someone said that about me, I would be VERY concerned. I assume you know
why, but just in case you don't I'll explain. You are hateful to
everyone. On Wednesday nights you get mad because people are down there,
or whatever. Honestly I don't know why you get mad, I just know every
time I'm talking to our siblings about Wednesday nights, they always
bring up you and the fact that they can tell your really mad for no
apparent reason, except them. I get that you don't like visitors, but
then my all means leave until their gone instead of treating them like
crap. Another thing I want to address is the way you treat mom and Joe.
Do you hate them? Because I know they think you do. Sure, Joe is super
annoying, with all his new projects messing up our yard, that he never
finishes anyway, and the fact he treats Chloe and Lydia better than his
own kids. Treating him the way you treat him isn't right either. The
same way with how you treat mom. You think no one notices? Everyone
does. You only short hand answer with her, if she walks in the room you
instantly quit talking. She told me yesterday that nothing she does is
good enough for you, its always wrong, doesn't matter how hard she
tries. You treat her like crap, that's not right Jonathan. She is your
mother, whether you like it or not. She deserves to be treated with
respect. She may not have raised us right, but remember no one is
perfect. Still that would be no reason to practically hate her anyways,
it's not like she abused us or anything of that sort. Jonathan you need
to learn to let go of your anger and learn to love people. Read 1 Cor
13, 1 Peter 4:8, Matthew 5:43-45, 1 Corinthians 12:4-8, Mark 12:30-31,
John 13:34-35. I encourage you to look these verses up and read them. I
wish I could have written them all out for you, but its hard on this
phone and this is super long already. You are a great man Jonathan, I am
not trying to make you out horrible or anything like that, I'm just
trying to speak the truth. People keep saying all we can do is pray,
well I for one think they are wrong. I think all we can do is pray,
address the issue, then pray some more. I guess we'll find out if I'm
wrong or not. I really wish I was able to say all of this to you in
person, but I'm
scared too (I'm a chicken, I know). You won't even look at me, and when
you do (call me crazy) I
see hate in your eyes, it might not be there, I really don't know, it
just feels like it is there
too me. Anyway that's why I won't tell you all this in person, you'll
either ignore me, or you'll give me a hateful response, I don't want
either. I am much braver
writing this and sending it to you, then I would be in person. I
wouldn't be able to say even half of what I'm saying. I know you'll
never be perfect, that's not my goal, my goal of writing this is for you
is to at least see there is an issue with the way you treat others.
Look at it this way: The bible says we as Christians are suppose to let
others see Jesus through us. Joe, I doubt he's a Christian. Do you think
Joe sees Jesus through you? Doubtful. Jesus is love, Joe sees hate. I
honestly expect you to read this, deny all of it, then stay mad at me
forever. If that's the case, that's sad, I don't want you to always be
mad at me, even though right now it feels like you always will be.
Jonathan, I do love you. You are my brother, I will always love you,
even if you never forgive me, even if you never speak to me, even if you
never look at me again, I will always love you. I know it will be hard,
but love isn't always easy. That day you accidentally shot yourself,
that was the scariest day of my life. I thought I was going to lose you,
well I didn't then, but somehow or another I managed to still lose you
now, just in a different way most people would expect. Do you realize
how much kills me to know that. Its kills me to see the way you treat
mom, Joe, and DJ. Its kills me to hear all of the back stab some of our
siblings say, yes in case you were wondering I do try and defend you,
most of the time. I am guilty of some of that back stab, and for that I
am truly so sorry. I should have just kept my mouth shut even if it is
how I felt. Anyways, I don't really know what else to say, except just
please consider what I'm saying, consider that I actually could be right
on this one. I'm am trying so hard to write this in love, I know that
was a lot of my mistakes whenever I tried to stand up to you for DJ, I
should have said it in love, and for not doing that, I'm sorry. I also
should have had at least one bible verse to back me up, which I do in
this one. You don't have to believe a single word I say, but the bible
is always right. Anyways Jonathan, I hope I didn't ruin your day by
telling you how I feel and I still will continue to pray for you, as I
hope you are doing for me, cause as we all know I need just as much
prayer any other person does.
09-12-2014
09-12-2014
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
Happiness
The last few years I have been going through a hard time, I hated my life. There was so many different things in life that I wanted, and I felt like I deserved all that and more, there was this one girl, who got everything she wanted, and of course bragged about it to me, it hurt me so much. Why was God giving her everything. And me? I was getting nothing. Everything I wanted I couldn’t have for whatever reason. I was so depressed. I heard the song “Out Of My Mind” a million times on air1, but one day as I was listening to the song on the radio these lyrics clicked.
“Feelin’ like I got a front row seat
To watching everyone be happy
Can’t even paint a smile on my face
Its so hard not to complain
Gotta try to say
Oh God what about me
‘Cause I know its not the way
That I’m suppose to be
Get me outta my mind and into your heart
It’s not about me, it’s not about me
So I’m gonna start playing my part in you design
Now is the time, to get me outta my mind
Outta my mind”
That song just described exactly how I was feeling at the moment. Everyone I came across were getting as it seemed to me everything, they were all happy and I cried myself to sleep at night. I knew all that I wanted was so silly, even though all of this stuff was very important in life its not gonna matter when I die because I’ll be in Heaven with God and nothing that I had on earth would matter by then, I also realized there are so many other people in life that have way less then what I had at that point, so I knew it was wrong to feel the way I did, I remember saying a few prayers somewhat like the song before it had actually sunk in.
As I was listening to this song that day I realized that there is something bigger then me, all this stuff I wanted didn’t matter, in the end all that matters is Jesus. So why should I worry about it? I just need to focus on God’s plan; not mine…
“Feelin’ like I got a front row seat
To watching everyone be happy
Can’t even paint a smile on my face
Its so hard not to complain
Gotta try to say
Oh God what about me
‘Cause I know its not the way
That I’m suppose to be
Get me outta my mind and into your heart
It’s not about me, it’s not about me
So I’m gonna start playing my part in you design
Now is the time, to get me outta my mind
Outta my mind”
That song just described exactly how I was feeling at the moment. Everyone I came across were getting as it seemed to me everything, they were all happy and I cried myself to sleep at night. I knew all that I wanted was so silly, even though all of this stuff was very important in life its not gonna matter when I die because I’ll be in Heaven with God and nothing that I had on earth would matter by then, I also realized there are so many other people in life that have way less then what I had at that point, so I knew it was wrong to feel the way I did, I remember saying a few prayers somewhat like the song before it had actually sunk in.
As I was listening to this song that day I realized that there is something bigger then me, all this stuff I wanted didn’t matter, in the end all that matters is Jesus. So why should I worry about it? I just need to focus on God’s plan; not mine…
Friday, August 8, 2014
Dear Guy
I would like to start this by saying, I really hope you never see
this, but yet I still want you too at the same time. I'm writing this
for you, but yet mainly for me. I know that doesn't make much sense, but
whatever.
I always thought that the first guy I dated would be who I married, I was set on it, maybe that's one of the reasons it hurt so bad when you decided I wasn't good enough for you, I don't know. Either way, it was my plan. Although, you know what happens to my plans, they fail. Always. You told me once that you hoped that you, being my plan wouldn't fail, well guess what. It did, and I'm so thankful for that now.
As you know, right now its been about 5 months or so since you broke my heart. This is gonna sound crazy, but I've thought of you every freaking day since then. You are driving me crazy even though you aren't in my life anymore. How the heck does that work? I can't count how many prayers I prayed asking God to rid you of my mind. Sad I know, but true.
I do want to thank you though. Thank you for teaching me to pay more attention. I saw so many red flags with you, yet I chose to ignore them every time. Thank you for standing me up on what would have been our third date. Remember? That was the date we were finally going to kiss. I am so grateful I never kissed you, that would have made this so much harder for me. Thank you for that silly little quarter you gave me. Oh my gosh, when you first gave it to me, I was actually going to keep it forever, ha. Every time I saw a quarter like that at work I smiled. Now, I frown when I see it. Seriously, I'm pretty sure that quarter is haunting me. Thank you for that nativity scene you also gave me. I loved it, honestly even now I can't deny that's an awesome nativity scene. I couldn't decide what I wanted to do with it after you broke my heart. I wanted to burn it, but I couldn't I mean like that has Jesus on it, no way would I burn it. I threw it under my bed and left it there for months until I finally decided my mom and have it. By the way, she loves it. Thank you for helping me make my mom happy.
My heart stopped when I saw a month later you already had a girlfriend. That meant either one of two things; you were talking with her the same time you were dating me and you decided she was better so you "dropped" me for her. Or you started talking to her after you "dropped" me, and relationships mean so little to you that you don't need to know the person before you get serious. Either way, that showed me it was a darn good thing you decided you didn't like me.
I decided it was time to quit Facebook stalking you after I saw you had a girlfriend. I did stalk her Facebook though, she's pretty! Although, I never met her. I was happy for her! I saw her Facebook posts about you and I was like wow, she's really happy. Good for her. I prayed, thanking God for making her so happy, then I also asked him if things didn't work out between the two of you that she was the one to call things off. I wanted someone to hurt you like you hurt me. Honestly, now I could care less.
I gotta ask. What the heck were you thinking when you messaged me?! At the point you messaged me, it was around 4 months after you decided I wasn't good enough. If you would have messaged me with an apology I wouldn't be making a big deal outta this, but no it was a freaking 'hi'. Well hi to your freaking self. You can't just pretend like we're old friends who haven't talked in awhile, hi isn't good enough. It should have been an apology. I'm so glad I didn't see you had messaged me until almost a month later, I'm guessing you deleted that app, which is great because you won't see my reply. Ha, I apologized for taking so long to respond. Can you believe that Glenn? I apologized to you for not seeing the message and not responding, when you saw my message 5 months ago and chose not to respond. Stupid me! Why am I so nice? Why couldn't I say what I had planned to say if you ever messaged me again?
I felt like you sending me another message gave me the right to "stalk" your Facebook, one more time. Wanna know what I found? Nothing really, other then you are single again. Man, your relationships are short, add that to the list of reasons you and I would have never worked out.
I don't know why I cared so much. We only texted back and forth only 3 months, only 2 dates, and only 1 phone call. Truth be told, we hardly even knew each other, and really that's okay. The more I remember stuff you did and said makes me realize we weren't meant for each other. I'm just glad you realized that before I did, because most likely wouldn't have until it was to late. I think one of the reasons I did care so much is because you were the closest thing I'd ever had to a boyfriend, but I don't know.
This is a rather pointless letter, especially since it happened a long time ago, and you'll never see it. But I think it might help me. If you had gotten to know me longer you would know that I'm not the type to bottle stuff up. I like to express my feelings. So there, I finally expressed them about this, about you.
Well Glenn, I guess the only thing left to say is I forgive you. I know you were just trying not to hurt me, but you did. It would have hurt a lot less if you would have just been honest with me, but oh well what's done is done. I hope all is well with you. God bless!
Hannah
08-08-2014
I always thought that the first guy I dated would be who I married, I was set on it, maybe that's one of the reasons it hurt so bad when you decided I wasn't good enough for you, I don't know. Either way, it was my plan. Although, you know what happens to my plans, they fail. Always. You told me once that you hoped that you, being my plan wouldn't fail, well guess what. It did, and I'm so thankful for that now.
As you know, right now its been about 5 months or so since you broke my heart. This is gonna sound crazy, but I've thought of you every freaking day since then. You are driving me crazy even though you aren't in my life anymore. How the heck does that work? I can't count how many prayers I prayed asking God to rid you of my mind. Sad I know, but true.
I do want to thank you though. Thank you for teaching me to pay more attention. I saw so many red flags with you, yet I chose to ignore them every time. Thank you for standing me up on what would have been our third date. Remember? That was the date we were finally going to kiss. I am so grateful I never kissed you, that would have made this so much harder for me. Thank you for that silly little quarter you gave me. Oh my gosh, when you first gave it to me, I was actually going to keep it forever, ha. Every time I saw a quarter like that at work I smiled. Now, I frown when I see it. Seriously, I'm pretty sure that quarter is haunting me. Thank you for that nativity scene you also gave me. I loved it, honestly even now I can't deny that's an awesome nativity scene. I couldn't decide what I wanted to do with it after you broke my heart. I wanted to burn it, but I couldn't I mean like that has Jesus on it, no way would I burn it. I threw it under my bed and left it there for months until I finally decided my mom and have it. By the way, she loves it. Thank you for helping me make my mom happy.
My heart stopped when I saw a month later you already had a girlfriend. That meant either one of two things; you were talking with her the same time you were dating me and you decided she was better so you "dropped" me for her. Or you started talking to her after you "dropped" me, and relationships mean so little to you that you don't need to know the person before you get serious. Either way, that showed me it was a darn good thing you decided you didn't like me.
I decided it was time to quit Facebook stalking you after I saw you had a girlfriend. I did stalk her Facebook though, she's pretty! Although, I never met her. I was happy for her! I saw her Facebook posts about you and I was like wow, she's really happy. Good for her. I prayed, thanking God for making her so happy, then I also asked him if things didn't work out between the two of you that she was the one to call things off. I wanted someone to hurt you like you hurt me. Honestly, now I could care less.
I gotta ask. What the heck were you thinking when you messaged me?! At the point you messaged me, it was around 4 months after you decided I wasn't good enough. If you would have messaged me with an apology I wouldn't be making a big deal outta this, but no it was a freaking 'hi'. Well hi to your freaking self. You can't just pretend like we're old friends who haven't talked in awhile, hi isn't good enough. It should have been an apology. I'm so glad I didn't see you had messaged me until almost a month later, I'm guessing you deleted that app, which is great because you won't see my reply. Ha, I apologized for taking so long to respond. Can you believe that Glenn? I apologized to you for not seeing the message and not responding, when you saw my message 5 months ago and chose not to respond. Stupid me! Why am I so nice? Why couldn't I say what I had planned to say if you ever messaged me again?
I felt like you sending me another message gave me the right to "stalk" your Facebook, one more time. Wanna know what I found? Nothing really, other then you are single again. Man, your relationships are short, add that to the list of reasons you and I would have never worked out.
I don't know why I cared so much. We only texted back and forth only 3 months, only 2 dates, and only 1 phone call. Truth be told, we hardly even knew each other, and really that's okay. The more I remember stuff you did and said makes me realize we weren't meant for each other. I'm just glad you realized that before I did, because most likely wouldn't have until it was to late. I think one of the reasons I did care so much is because you were the closest thing I'd ever had to a boyfriend, but I don't know.
This is a rather pointless letter, especially since it happened a long time ago, and you'll never see it. But I think it might help me. If you had gotten to know me longer you would know that I'm not the type to bottle stuff up. I like to express my feelings. So there, I finally expressed them about this, about you.
Well Glenn, I guess the only thing left to say is I forgive you. I know you were just trying not to hurt me, but you did. It would have hurt a lot less if you would have just been honest with me, but oh well what's done is done. I hope all is well with you. God bless!
Hannah
08-08-2014
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
Proverbs 15:1
I had just finished doing dinner dishes, cleaning up random messes
in the house. I decided I was done for the night, so I head towards my
room. As I am going there I see a pile of clothes on the window seal in
the 'dryer room' that I had moved earlier that day. My brother had set
them there, so I threw them on this bed, even though I assumed he didn't
want them anymore, if that is the case he needs to actually deal with
them instead of making someone else. But here we are several hours later
and he had moved them back. What the heck!
I look at the clothes then I look at my brother which is playing the X-Box in the other room. Before I even thought about what I should say I find myself blurting out;
"Why are these here?" I knew the answer. He didn't want them, but what I didn't know is why he left them there instead of dealing with them. Actually I knew that answer too. My brother is lazy, plain and simple.
"Because their junk," he mumbled back loud enough I could hear him.
"Then deal with them," I shot at him. I start heading towards my room again. "They don't belong there. If their junk then throw them away." I mumble this, but making sure he could hear. As I finished I enter my room. My sister was laying on the top bunk of our bunk bed, reading her Bible.
I knew she had heard what both of us had said so I start complaining to her, about how he never picks up his messes and always leaves it for me and her to deal with. I pick up my brush realizing how messy it had become, and start to brush my hair. Next thing I know my brother come into my room without knocking. That's nothing new though, he never knocks. He has no respect for my sister and I's privacy.
"Why are you always so hateful?!" I just stare at him, that wasn't a real question and I already made him made so its better to say nothing at this point, it'll only make things worst. After he realized I wasn't going to respond he left the room.
I should add, my brother and I don't get along very well. I have came up with two reasons for this; the first one is because we are so much alike. We both have tempers, we both are stubborn, and somehow or another we both think 'its my way, or the highway. The second reason is, I'm not afraid to call him out when believe he is wrong, everyone else is. Last winter he completely ignored me for almost two weeks because I called him out when he was being a jerk to our seven year old nephew. Although, here lately we've been getting along good (maybe that's because we barely see each other nowadays), until today...
It really bothered me that my brother had said I'm always hateful, because well I'm not. Sure whenever I call him out I use my "tone", but that doesn't mean I'm being hateful. I started to feel guilty, not because I had said something, because something needed to be said. Ever since I can remember he always makes a mess, but never picks it up, it doesn't matter what it is. If picking it up means getting up and moving he doesn't. It's so annoying, normally I won't say anything.
I started feeling guilty because I could have avoided this whole thing. Sure if he would have dealt with it in the first place that would have avoided it also, but the thing is I can only control me, so why bother thinking what he could or should have done. A verse in the Bible came to my mind as I was replaying everything. The verse basically says a soft answer will prevent anger, but harsh words will do nothing but cause anger.
I could have avoided this entire thing if I would have just said "Hey, these don't belong here. I would greatly appreciate it if you would deal with them". The outcome would have been so different, even if he chose not too. I mean, yeah I would be annoyed, but at least he wouldn't be mad at me.
Of course, there's nothing I can do now, except learn from my mistake. That's all we can do live-n-learn, plain and simple.
Proverbs 15:1
A soft answer turneth away wrath:
but grievous words stir up anger.
08-05-2014
I look at the clothes then I look at my brother which is playing the X-Box in the other room. Before I even thought about what I should say I find myself blurting out;
"Why are these here?" I knew the answer. He didn't want them, but what I didn't know is why he left them there instead of dealing with them. Actually I knew that answer too. My brother is lazy, plain and simple.
"Because their junk," he mumbled back loud enough I could hear him.
"Then deal with them," I shot at him. I start heading towards my room again. "They don't belong there. If their junk then throw them away." I mumble this, but making sure he could hear. As I finished I enter my room. My sister was laying on the top bunk of our bunk bed, reading her Bible.
I knew she had heard what both of us had said so I start complaining to her, about how he never picks up his messes and always leaves it for me and her to deal with. I pick up my brush realizing how messy it had become, and start to brush my hair. Next thing I know my brother come into my room without knocking. That's nothing new though, he never knocks. He has no respect for my sister and I's privacy.
"Why are you always so hateful?!" I just stare at him, that wasn't a real question and I already made him made so its better to say nothing at this point, it'll only make things worst. After he realized I wasn't going to respond he left the room.
I should add, my brother and I don't get along very well. I have came up with two reasons for this; the first one is because we are so much alike. We both have tempers, we both are stubborn, and somehow or another we both think 'its my way, or the highway. The second reason is, I'm not afraid to call him out when believe he is wrong, everyone else is. Last winter he completely ignored me for almost two weeks because I called him out when he was being a jerk to our seven year old nephew. Although, here lately we've been getting along good (maybe that's because we barely see each other nowadays), until today...
It really bothered me that my brother had said I'm always hateful, because well I'm not. Sure whenever I call him out I use my "tone", but that doesn't mean I'm being hateful. I started to feel guilty, not because I had said something, because something needed to be said. Ever since I can remember he always makes a mess, but never picks it up, it doesn't matter what it is. If picking it up means getting up and moving he doesn't. It's so annoying, normally I won't say anything.
I started feeling guilty because I could have avoided this whole thing. Sure if he would have dealt with it in the first place that would have avoided it also, but the thing is I can only control me, so why bother thinking what he could or should have done. A verse in the Bible came to my mind as I was replaying everything. The verse basically says a soft answer will prevent anger, but harsh words will do nothing but cause anger.
I could have avoided this entire thing if I would have just said "Hey, these don't belong here. I would greatly appreciate it if you would deal with them". The outcome would have been so different, even if he chose not too. I mean, yeah I would be annoyed, but at least he wouldn't be mad at me.
Of course, there's nothing I can do now, except learn from my mistake. That's all we can do live-n-learn, plain and simple.
Proverbs 15:1
A soft answer turneth away wrath:
but grievous words stir up anger.
08-05-2014
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
Best Brownies.
I'm off today! :) So that means I have the whole day to do whatever I want! What do I chose to do? Bake brownies and clean. Okay so not the most exciting day, I know. But the brownies I made are seriously the best... I found this recipe at Hershey.com then altered it myself a few years back but forgot about it until today.
Here's what you need:
Honestly, I didn't even measure the amount of chocolate chips I added to this, in the batter I just poured the entire bag of chocolate chips in. I admit probably was a bit excessive, but it's chocolate. There's no such thing as to much. ;)
I had a problem though. I didn't feel like making two batches, but I couldn't decide if I wanted to have just the plain chocolate icing or if I wanted the peanut butter melted with it, so I just iced half of the brownies with just the chocolate, the other half I iced with the chocolate with the peanut butter. Perfect solution. :)
Here's what you need:
- 1 cup (2 sticks) butter or margarine
- 2 cups sugar
- 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
- 4 eggs
- 3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa
- 1 cup all-purpose flour
- 1/2 teaspoon baking powder
- 1/4 teaspoon salt
- 3 cups chocolate chips
- 3 tablespoons peanut butter (optional)
1. Heat oven to 350°F. Grease 13x9x2-inch baking pan.
2. Place butter in large microwave-safe bowl.
Microwave until melted. Stir in
sugar and vanilla. Add eggs, one at a time, beating well with spoon
after each addition. Add cocoa; beat until well blended. Add flour,
baking powder and salt; beat well. Stir 1 cup chocolate chips. Pour
batter into prepared pan.
3. Bake 30 to 35 minutes or until brownies begin
to pull away from sides of pan. Cool completely in pan on wire rack. Melt chocolate chips melt and peanut butter if desired, spread on top of brownies. Chill until melted chocolate chips has hardened. Cut
into bars. Makes about 24 brownies.
Honestly, I didn't even measure the amount of chocolate chips I added to this, in the batter I just poured the entire bag of chocolate chips in. I admit probably was a bit excessive, but it's chocolate. There's no such thing as to much. ;)
I had a problem though. I didn't feel like making two batches, but I couldn't decide if I wanted to have just the plain chocolate icing or if I wanted the peanut butter melted with it, so I just iced half of the brownies with just the chocolate, the other half I iced with the chocolate with the peanut butter. Perfect solution. :)
Monday, September 9, 2013
Sometimes Life Is So Depressing
I was off today, and I was so depressed (not because I was
off, although, I did wish I had worked). I was so bored, which made me
realize how depressing my life really is. The only thing I ever do is
work, I hate my days off because there's not really that much for me to
do at home, I don't have my license (I know right?! So lame), so I can't
go out and do other things, and I don't have any friends (I know, once
again, lame), so I have no one to hang out with. So here I am, at home,
bored to death, and stuck here. So I try and have some fun, I hang out
with my sister, I watch YouTube prank videos with my brother, I clean, I
talk a walk around the woods, I take some pictures, I swung, heck, I
took a nap, I really did try and make the best of my day off but it was
still so boring! So, I was a little depressed how boring it was, but
life goes on. So, after I pick up some groceries that my parents bought,
I decided to edit some pictures I took in the past, well while I was
doing this a person (someone I never actually met, but we still text
24/7) finally replied to my text, two hours later,and said "Ya lol What
you doing" I respond almost the second I received it "Nothing". Well,
yeah I'm annoyed, he already knew the answer to this question, he knows
that I'm stuck at home, no way of "escaping" the house besides work, so
why would he ask a question he already knows the answer too? Makes no
sense to me. Anyways he waits awhile to respond, then says "Why Not?
Lol" I mean seriously, we have had this conversation a million
times, does he forget or just not understand? Normally I reply I don't
know, just because, but I was feeling rather depressed about it so I
kinda wanted to explain how I felt (yes, we've had that conversation
quite a few times, but he's never giving me the chance to explain how I
feel), so I reply "Because there's really nothing to do" (take note:
there is no "lol" at the end of this, we both always put lol at the end
of our text, unless we are irritated, or a "lol" is not needed there),
before he reply's I ask exactly what he's gonna say "There's always
something to do lol" Guess what! That is exactly what he relied, word
for word. So, me being annoyed that he used the same line I snap (as
much as you can snap over texting) "You're right, there's always
cleaning that needs to be done. I could definitely do that. He responds
"Well I didn't mean that exactly but you can do that id you want lol" Oh
my goodness, he missed the point. So I said "My point was that's about
all there really is to do here." I know, you don't have to say it, he's
right, I could find stuff to do, but that was exactly what I was trying
to do all day, I failed each time, plus for a Friday night, anything I
can do at home is honestly considered "nothing". He relied surprisingly
fast "Oh well maybe but there's always more to do lol" I guess he just
really doesn't understand. It kinda makes me mad when someone doesn't
understand what I'm trying to say. So I just reply "No there's not",
then he says "Oh well I bet there is :p" (ha, no "lol" this time, he's
starting to realized I'm serious maybe? Doubtful.) At this point, I'm
just so fed up, I decided to end our conversation "Well, like I said
there's not. I live here, I would know." Then I ended it with a
goodnight, of course I knew because of my hour an a half nap at 5, I
wouldn't be able to sleep yet, but I really did need to try, I worked at
8 the next morning. I turned out my phone in frustration. Well I
couldn't sleep as I had thought. Partly because I was crying? Maybe, I
was hoping I'd cry myself to sleep. Didn't work. So, I decided to forget
trying to sleep and went on Skout (a meeting people app, but I only use
it to chat with people went I'm really bored), well that was boring, so
I started talking to my sister who sleeps on the bunk above me, she was
trying to help, she basically told me if I have a better attitude about
this and have joy then I wouldn't feel so bad about it, but as usual
she just didn't understand, so I decided not to even try and talk with
her more about this. I decided Facebook was the answer to me not being
about to sleep, and I was scrolling down my newsfeed and a church
"Facebook friend" liked a picture, that picture said something like
"weeping my endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning, Psalms
30:5" That helps me so much, it made the tears go away pretty much
instantly, I'm not sure why but it did, I really needed that, funny
thing was I knew before I saw that joy was gonna come in the morning
because I worked pretty much all day and working brings me joy, so it
was an awesome reminder from God. Shortly after I saw I had a Facebook
message from a customer at work (and if you was wondering, yes, he is a
guy, but he is a completely different story that I will share when I
think the story is complete), so of course I started chatting with him,
he made my day, I needed to talk to someone how depressing I thought my
life was so I talked to him about it, and really just made me feel
pretty much completely better, not that he understood either, but its
different talking to a friendish person then your sister. Anyways,
that's my story, its long and really doesn't have much of a point, but I
wanted to write about it.
09-06-2013
09-06-2013
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